“Bah, Humbug!” has become a catchphrase for most of us at this point in the festive season. For weeks now we’ve had to endure the songs playing endlessly in every single shop and restaurant we’ve walked into, and you can barely take a step without spotting another Christmas tree or Father Christmas staring at you in the darkness. Christmas has become an STI, spreading quickly through every home in Ireland, and everything seems to have that festive touch to it… including our sex toys.
Yes, there are actually some sex toys that someone has looked at and gone “this needs something more… festive” and then changed it into something quite horrifying. Why? Well, we still haven’t figured that one out, but here on the Escort Ireland blog we have found some of the worst Christmas sex toys that are out there so you can decide whether we are all just Scrooges for not wanting candy cane vibrators or if the spirit of Christmas really is spreading too far. You might even have seen something worse, so let us know in the comments.
The snuggie for your cock
Snuggies are everywhere, and they are quite possibly one of the least sexy things we have ever seen. Sure, the person in them looks cute, but they are also ridiculously warm, and having sex while wearing one is a challenge we have yet to find the desire to attempt.
So, someone out there decided that this needed to change, and instead they created the Xmas Tuggie… and we can guess that you probably already have a pretty good idea of what it is before we even go into the disturbing details on this product.
It is described as “the fuzzy sock that warms your cock” and is considered, by the websites selling it for a bargain €12, to be the ideal way to “give your cock a little Christmas spirit”… although personally, the last thing I think when looking at it is “wow, that’s a festive dick”.
Basically, the Xmas Tuggie is a sock with candy cane striping along it that fits snugly around your cock and balls to “keep your hands free”. Why buy this instead of any other sock? Well, they believe that the Xmas Tuggie is stylish and perfect for anywhere at all. We are just going to take their word for it on that one.
The snowman spanking paddle
Have you ever looked at your spanking paddle and thought “I wish it looked like a snowman”? No? Us neither, but clearly someone out there did as they created one… and it is even worse than your imagination can dream up.
The paddle is made of a white leather-look material, as you can imagine, and has a lovely snowman on the end of it, wearing a top hat with mistletoe on it, two beady eyes, and glittery buttons down his stomach. He looks much like a traditional snowman… if you ignore the fact that Frosty has a ball gag sewn onto his mouth.
Yes, Frosty the snowman has been given a ball gag instead of a nose. Why? We have no idea, but it seems that some people out there have seen common sense.
If you were hoping to buy him for that special someone in your life, you’ll be disappointed. It seems that the snowman spanking paddle was discontinued. You might be lucky enough to find him still hiding somewhere online, but do you really want to go search for a snowman spanking paddle?
Candy cane dildos and vibrators
When you hear the words “sex toy” your mind will immediately go to dildos and vibrators, and if you thought that these items were sacred and holy when it came to Christmas, you would be wrong. They too have received the festive treatment.
The big thing to do to them seems to be to add candy cane striping to them, or simply make them shaped like candy canes, as they will then fit into your home at Christmas and won’t stand out too much, right?
One of the vibrators you can buy is called “Santa’s Lil’ Helper” and has the wonderful tag line saying that “Santa ain’t the only one coming this holiday”. It looks like a standard vibrator with a slight curve to hit your g-spot, but the most disturbing thing about this toy is the head of Father Christmas near the base, and we’re guessing his big bushy beard is meant to stimulate your clit. Christmas ruined? Quite possibly.
Who said that Christmas sex toys were all tacky? The people at MaxPassion has created a classy candy cane, named Candice, out of erotic glass. It does look very pretty, but it can cost between €43 and €58, making it the most expensive item on the list.
The baby Jesus butt plug
For many, the whole point of Christmas is to celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus, and you’d think that this huge religious moment would be sacred… but no.
It feels so wrong to write this, but you can actually buy baby Jesus butt plugs to help you celebrate Christmas in the most disturbing way possible. We wish it wasn’t true, but it is, and you can get your own for only €33!
In case the fact that there are actually baby Jesus butt plugs out there isn’t enough to convince you that the festive season and sex toys shouldn’t ever be mixed together, it gets worse. Someone decided that simply making a baby Jesus butt plug wasn’t enough as it looked boring, so for an extra 94 cents you can actually buy one that glows in the dark.
I don’t know about you, but I feel as though “bah, humbug” is going to be my catchphrase for this festive season… but have you seen something more horrific than a glow in the dark baby Jesus butt plug? Let us know in the comment box below or join in the discussion on the Escort Ireland forum.
Since then she has gained a fine reputation with her blogs on sex advice, sexual health and amusing news stories from around the globe. She is also a campaigner for the rights of sex workers from all over the world.
In her spare time, Lara keeps herself active by going running, and is something of a film buff. She also loves to go travelling.
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