Sex has long been thought as taboo, probably because kink has horny homies all over this world doing some strange shit to get their rocks off. Capitalists say that money makes the world go round, hippies say it’s love, but hard core kinksters know what’s up: freaky kink makes this rock keep rocking baby, yeah man! However, with all the different shades of peculiar kink banging, sex laws were born in an effort to attempt to govern the kinky masses, and their atypical freaky deaky ways.
While some sex laws may have logically stemmed from real life situations that demanded a law to be erected so that crime could never happen again, other perplexing sex laws provide absolutely no rhyme, reason or back-story for their inexplicable existence. The queer and perplexing laws that govern the frisky, and their incongruous punishments are often times more freakish and ridiculous than the actual ‘crime’ itself.
Tragically, a fear of kink echoes in a lot of these wacky legislations. Religion, society and governments, have a lot to do with stigmatizing sex, and with enacting some of the most bizarre restrictions into laws! It’s been said that absolute power corrupts, and after taking a look at some of these sex laws, it’s hard to disagree, because most of them will have you wondering, “Wtf!”
Most of these sex laws will leave you as speechless as the day you were born, yet the most baffling sex laws are the ones that are not only outrageous and ridiculous, but are also still active in this sexy age of enlightenment. For your consideration, these sex laws hail from all over this erotic rock, proving that while kink makes this world go round, sex laws are here to curb its speed limit.
1. No visible tent pitching!
A chubbie is a clear indication that a dude’s kinky temperature is damn near boiling. But if a dude is in Florida, Idaho, Arizona, Indiana, Mississippi, Nevada, Nebraska, New York, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, South Dakota, Tennessee, Vermont and Washington D.C, then having that morning glory visible through his pants can land him in legal hot water. For the record, it’s a sex crime to have your wooden solider at full salute in public, so it’s best to keep your private eye under wraps in these here parts.
2. Off with your head if you ‘crown your king’ in public!
Until only recently, the penalty for public masturbation in Indonesia was decapitation. Of course, this punishment was absolutely redonkulous, but real talk, no one needs, or wants to see you badgering the witness unless um, they ask. Did no one ask you if they could watch you fist your mister? Yeah man, that’s because aiding and abetting a known felon in the court of public opinion is perverted and super duper shady. Are you not curious to see what Indonesia’s punishment has changed to? Then play it safe, and charm that snake away from the scrutinizing public eye, duh!
3. Threesomes with a mum and her daughter is illegal
Dear horny homies in Bolivia, If you thought you could have the milk, the cow and the cow’s mother, you’re sadly mistaken yo! For the sexy record, it’s illegal in Bolivia for a dude to engage in a threesome with a mother and a daughter. You have to choose just one, okay? Why? Because dammit! You just can’t have the milk, the cow and the cow’s mother at one time! What do you think this is? A kinky website? No, this is Bolivia now act like it!
4. Shagging out of wedlock is illegal for women
Some sex laws are just insanely outdated. Perhaps they stood at one point to uphold what society thought was virtuous, but if they’re left intact in this age of enlightenment, they just serve as a milestone of man’s stupidity in trying to oppress its own sexy people. In Cali, Columbia, it’s illegal for a woman to have sex outside of wedlock AND she must only lose her virginity to her husband. The law ALSO states that the woman’s mother must be present to witness the event. WHAT THE FUCK? Someone check the calendar, it’s 2016 isn’t it?
5. Revenge murder is legal if she can do it with her bare hands
There are plenty of crimes that are acquitted because the crime was performed in the ‘heat of the moment.’ These crimes of passion are marked by the perpetrator committing the act against someone because of a sudden strong impulse such as rage. Now imagine the rage of a wife that just learned her husband was cheating on her while she’s been home cooking, cleaning and raising the children? Dudes, watch out if you cheat on your wife in Hong Kong where it’s legal to kill an adulterous husband if she can do so with her bare hands!
6. Illegal to make direct eye contact with a hairy oyster
In Greek mythology, if you made eye contact with Medusa, you’d turn to stone from her deadly stare. Women in Bahrain are a far cry from Medusa, yet in Bahrain, male doctors are only permitted to examine a female’s va-jay-jay using a mirror because it’s illegal for them to make direct contact with the beef curtains. Wow! Use a reflection to see, that’s exactly what Perseus had to do to defeat Medusa. Fun fact: Perseus used the reflection of his shield to see Medusa, and that way he wasn’t turned to stone from her cold, wicked, bitch stare!
7. More than two vibrators is too much
In Arizona, having more than two vibrators in your home is illegal, and if you own more than two in your house, you could be subject to criminal possession. Um, it should be a crime for the law to be able to dictate how many fake dicks one can own! Isn’t Arizona located inside of America, the home of the free? If that diligent citizen is paying rent, or a mortgage AND taxes, then let them have as many freaking vibrators as they freaking want.
8. Illegal for your dog to bone the Queen’s dog
You may need to sit with man’s best friend, and break down the hairy truth: Queenie doesn’t want your generic mutt to shag her prized Corgi. It’s really some blue blooded bullshit, but it’s a necessary conversation to have with your dog, so you both don’t end up in the pound. If you don’t speak dog, then it’s best to just avoid the dog park next to the Royal Palace, and well ANY Corgi in England just to be safe.
9. Illegal for a woman to be on top
If you’ve never wanted to visit Massachusetts, good for you. There’s absolutely no good reason to visit that backwards state, especially since it’s illegal for a woman to be on top during sex. As if that sex law wasn’t ridiculous enough, it’s ALSO illegal for a man and woman who rent a room for the night to sleep in the nude. If your lover ever asks you, “Babe, do you want to go to Massachusetts?” Now you can smile, shake your head from side to side and say, “Hell no!”
10. Illegal to tell kids that gay people exist
This is just utterly homophobic, and you know what? With shit sex laws like this one, it’s more freaking embarrassing to witness monkey suits upholding this legislation than two gay lovers holding hands. In Russia, Vladimir Putin just recently made it illegal to tell kids that gay people exist. Leave it to Russia to not know how to just let go of their cold front already.
11. Can’t kick a woman out of bed
Another sex law where, hey man, we deserve the back story to this shit! In Virginia, it’s illegal for a man to kick a woman out of bed. Was this a law erected to instruct those to treat others the way they want to be treated? Who was this woman that was kicked out of bed, and who stayed up the rest of the night into the morning waiting at the courthouse to get this law enforced?
12. It’s legal for a man to shag a female animal
In Lebanon, men may not have sex with an animal if that animal is a male. They can have sex however, with an animal if it’s female. What? Hello? This is 2016 calling, do you accept the charges?! Yes I do, hello! Oh hello, thanks for accepting the call, listen, I just called to say, if it’s an animal, boy or girl, IT’S STILL AN ANIMAL. Just because man descended from apes doesn’t mean that he can still shag the animal kingdom. Bestiality is so NOT cool, and it should be illegal everywhere, because not only is that shit heinous, it’s not freaking consensual.
13. Sex must be in the missionary position
If you’ve ever wondered about the purgatory of vanilla sex, it’s kind of like the North Carolina sex law that mandates couples must have sex in the missionary position with the curtains drawn. Dear Conservative people, Get out of liberal people’s bedrooms, Sincerely, Sheesh.
14. Topless saleswomen are legal to sell tropical fish
In Liverpool, England, topless saleswomen are legal to employ in stores, but only stores that sell tropical fish. While many sex laws inhibit and prohibit kink, this sex law enforces and celebrates it! It’s a sexy fact, topless saleswomen do a terrific job keeping it wet and wild.
15. PDA is illegal
You may have wished at one point that PDA was illegal probably after being stuck behind that touchy, annoying canoodling couple. Turns out, in Dubai, public displays of affection are so offensive that the mere act of being intimate in public can result in ten days of jail time for each person involved. In Dubai, the PDA police are pure haters that are constantly policing those lucky in the sucky fucky. It’s best to resist hanky panky while you’re in public in Dubai, and think twice before dropping that atomic PDA bomb.
16. It’s illegal to check mate your partner while you mate
Sex is already a kinky game, and it shouldn’t be compounded with any other game including and not limited to chess. In Tallinn, Estonia there’s a sex law that prohibits playing chess while shagging. If you read the fine print of this legislation it states, one game at a time player!
17. Sex on the beach is illegal
In a country where sex on the beach was most likely born, it’s actually illegal to enjoy the delicacy. Sex on the beach in Spain is not only illegal, but banging couples could also face up to $90,000 dollars in ball-busting fines. In a country that’s super duper relaxed, so relaxed that it takes siestas in the middle of the day, this not-so-sexy fine is the ultimate cock block to sex on the beach enthusiasts.
18. Sex on a parked motorcycle is illegal
In London, sex on a motorcycle is illegal. Perhaps this sex law was designed to ensure the peace. However, when you read that sex on a parked motorcycle is illegal, it begs to ask the question, is sex on a moving motorcycle legal then?
19. Just say no to full frontals in a photo booth
When kinksters get into a photo booth, there’s nothing left to the imagination. It’s said that a beloved photo booth technician suffered a fatal triple heart attack after viewing the full frontal proofs of kinksters in Sweden. That’s why taking full frontals in a photo booth is illegal, okay? Out of respect for that beloved photo booth technician who just didn’t deserve that fate, all right?
20. Illegal to have sex with the lights on
In a city that’s up all night, kinking it up, it’s actually illegal to shag with the lights on in Budapest, Hungary. This sex law isn’t about conserving electricity, as much as it’s just plain oppressive and like many other sex laws it attempts to keep the taboo of sex in the dark.
While rules are indeed made to be broken, it’s best to know the law of the land before you shake that kinky dice, and play the sexy odds. It’s a fact, you’ve got one life to live, but the more you know, the more you grow. So keep calm, stay kinky and if you’re in Spain, tuck your kink in a more discreet portion of the playa to avoid not-so-sexy fines, and to keep that sandy sex scene priceless.
Have you unknowingly broken sex laws because you were just too sexy for the country you were shagging in? Tell us all about it anonymously in the comments below! As kink keeps this rock rocking, stay well informed of its strange sex laws by watching the TOP TEN WEIRDEST SEX LAWS FROM AROUND THE WORLD.
She is certainly most famous for her informative, yet hilarious looks at sex from around the world. However, she is also well known for her erotic stories, as well as her blogs on sexual health, which she sees as vital in helping out men and women everywhere.
When she is not knocking other trending articles out of the park, Gabriella likes walking her pet dog, and eating at nice restaurants.
- An Interview with… Anna! - July 21, 2023
- Car Sex – The Ultimate Guide - July 11, 2016
- Six Tips For The Ultimate Quickie - July 4, 2016
Please log in here to leave a comment.