A tide of decadence is nearing the Republic of Ireland. Doors are being locked, shutters closed and children tucked safely in bed for fear of what is coming: hordes of scantily-clad prostitutes accompanied by a marching army of pimps, the distant sound of hydraulics like a chorus of war drums to the ears of the virtuous.

Applying Pressure

This is the picture that the ICI (Immigrant Council of Ireland) has tried to paint today, in yet another attempt to apply pressure to the governments south of the border to adopt similar anti-sex buyer laws. Their message? That unless Ireland shores up her legislative defences, a flood of prostitutes the likes of which have never before been seen will spill onto the streets of Dublin, eradicating a century’s worth of religious wholesomeness and civilised behaviours.

What is hilarious, however, is where the ICI has gathered its statistics. Their headline-catching announcement is that there has been a more than 50% rise in online sex trade activity in Donegal, Cavan, Monaghan, Leitrim and Louth, which they backed by a statement from Brian Killoran, chief executive of the ICI.

“The initial indications are that those who run prostitution have been feeling the heat of Northern Ireland’s new laws even before they came into force and have been switching their operations to the South,” he said.

For us, it’s awkwardly clear that is just another case of an organisation slicing and dicing choice figures, remoulding the reality to reflect a narrative of scaremongering and distortion. It is simple propaganda to achieve the narrow-minded aim of forcing Ireland’s government to create new anti-buyer laws before the country’s religious and social values are, somehow, irrevocably altered.

Now, we’re Ireland’s biggest and most popular escort website, so it’s safe to assume where the ICI are getting their information from when they talk about an increase in profiles on online escort websites.

So let’s take a look at the actual figures (which are, incidentally, publicly available).

Between 2013 and 2015, there was an increase of three escorts in Donegal, from 17 to 20. Meanwhile, in Belfast, there has been an increase from 27 to 52 within the same time period.

Our real concern is how the counties are going to accommodate this out-of-whack influx. First, the three escorts will need places to say – that’s a logistic nightmare in itself when you’re dealing with these sorts of numbers. Then there’s the issue of the once quiet Donegal streets now crowded by an extra three people, destroying the county’s quiet and traditional identity. It’s mass immigration for sure, the sort of stuff that scribes have written about in apocalypse manuscripts.

Beyond Comprehension

That the ICI, a seemingly credible organisation, would release these figures as significant is beyond us. If I drink two beers one week and eight beers the next, I’ll have to tell my friends and family that I’ve drunk 400% more. Imagine the horrified expressions – I’d be an alcoholic on the edge of self-destruction.

And anyway, these extra three prostitutes might have accidentally wandered into Donegal. How were they to know that their movements across the border would be the first stepping stones to the veritable end of days?

So let us simply say this. In Belfast, the capital city of Northern Ireland (the place now supposedly vacant of escorts) there has been over an 800% increase of escort profiles when compared to the Donegal numbers. Bottom line: the ICI is just one of 72 organisations campaigning for sex buyer laws, and like many they’re utter eejits.