The Most Offensive Sex Toys

There are plenty of adult toys out there that we find weird, creepy, or just completely random. These are not those toys. These toys are in a league of their own. In fact, we are truly terrified by some of these – who knows what the inventors of these were thinking. Actually, we would rather not know. Anything you can think of, and probably a few things you could never imagine, are out there to give some lonely characters the pleasures they so desperately seek and cannot seem to get from the other toys available. Here are some of the most offensive toys that are currently on the market.

Goo Gobblin Granny Love Doll

If you find yourself getting hot under the collar at the thought of a woman using her free bus pass, then this is for you. As you may have guessed, it is a blow up doll granny. Need we say anymore?

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Honeydoll

There are two aspects which we find particularly horrifying. The first is that this lifelike doll comes with an optional ‘voice component’ and touch senses so that she can moan with pleasure when you touch certain areas. There are in-built sounds, but if you have something in mind you can record your own. If you are looking for a younger model, quite literally, there’s an available model called ‘teen’s body’. Shuddering yet?

Artificial Hymen

This was created for those who enjoyed popping someone’s cherry so much that they want to do it all over again. The synthetic hymen contains red dye which produces a blood like substance after penetration and for only £20 a pop it’s a bargain!

F*** My Face Brunette

I think we can leave it to the product description to some up this particular sex toy; “Pull her hair, smack her face, and shove your hard-on halfway down her trachea! This cum-crazed cutie can’t wait to swallow every last drop of dick drool.”

Auto-Suck Road Head Simulator

For those who find driving alone arousing, why not try Auto-Suck? This toy was designed to plug into any car cigarette lighter and, apparently, provides the ultimate blow job.

Masturbator Vee-String

This product is designed for those who are considering/testing out a sex change. There is a gap so that the head of your penis becomes the clitoris. This toy allows you to urinate like a woman, masturbate like a woman or have sex with another man. It’s not the idea behind it that we find horrific, it’s the fact that that they have created the most terrifying model of a vagina. Who would ever want to go near that!?!

Male Latex Enema Pants

For those who fantasies about a urine enema, but don’t know how to go about it, look no further! The Enema Pants allows guys to urinate into a tube which is connected to their anus – thus fulfilling their fantasy! For any women reading this, do not fear, there are Female Latex Enema Pants. So you too can join in on the fun.

Area 51 Love Doll

The inflatable doll market is saturated with masses of rubbery women. However, to make sure that there is a doll for every taste, one company has gone the extra mile and created an inflatable partner for those who want the company of a three breasted alien with a pussy shaped mouth and ass shaped ears. They are so thoughtful.

Rubber Fisting Mitten

This is a toy for those who take fisting seriously. Not only is this mitten made of rubber so it’s easy to clean, but it goes all the way up to the shoulders for some extremely deep penetration.

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The Tongue Vibrator

If the Auto-Suck Road Head Simulator doesn’t do it for you, maybe this will? This vibrator is a tongue that won’t tire or run out of rhythm (not until the batteries go). Why choose oral from your partner when you could get it from a synthetic, disembodied tongue?

Dildo Gas Mask

The tag-line is; “can be enjoyed in so many ways”, but we aren’t so sure. Unless your Area 51 Love Doll omits tear gas from its ass shaped ears, we have no idea why anyone would invest in this.

Prince’s Wand

This is an actual toy. Has anyone used it? We hope not. In all honesty, you probably don’t want to know what this does. However, we feel it is our duty to provide you with the details. If you feel you are have explored all areas of conventional sexual arousal and are looking for something a little different; this is definitely not the next step. This toy can be inserted into your urethra and you don’t have to have much common sense to realise that this is ridiculously dangerous (and pointless!).

Toys are meant to be fun, ask any Mayo escort who enjoys using their toys! However, we suggest avoid introducing these toys into the bedroom…unless you are hoping to send your partner running.

Martin Ward
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Martin Ward

Martin Ward is a well respected editor and writer with over five years experience in the adult industry. After stints in the Escort Advertising call centre and on the escort forum, he moved into the site editor position around three years ago.

Since then, he has specialised in articles on the battle for equal rights for sex workers, sexual health, as well as bringing the readers fun news from around the world. He also has a major interest in LGBT rights, and is an active campaigner in this field.

When he isn't fighting the good fight, he enjoys spending time with his girlfriend, and young daughter. He also enjoys reading and taking long walks.
Martin Ward
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