Joke of the day

[Dirty Harry]

dear deirdre i was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window as i was wanking i turned to notice my wife just standing there arms folded watching me is she a pervert?

[Dirty Harry]

my sexy blonde neighbour looked over the garden fence and asked what was that washing powder you gave me? I replied vanish well it really works she said my panties have disappeared off the line

[royaler]

Three ladies meet for lunch ..... one of them tells the story!

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is
engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been
married for 20+ years.


We were chatting about our relationships and decided to
amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a
mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.


My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came
over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and
a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made love all night long.


The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at
his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and
mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he
didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I
was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos
and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
*
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'What's for dinner, Batman?'

[Forrest]

A young girl goes to see Santa Clause at the local shopping mall.
When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks
"What do you want for Christmas little girl?".
"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl.
"But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says.
The girl replies "No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"



A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter.
So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"
"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95,
Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95,
Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing f
or $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00
when all the others are only $19.95?"
"Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with
Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

[samlad]

The Shortest job interview ever:

[benin]

to be fair sammy she had ample qualifactions.

[Forrest]

to be fair sammy she had ample qualifactions.

Is that what they call big breasts now

[Forrest]

The Shortest job interview ever:

The lady in this thread had a similarly short 'interview'

[B]https://www.escort-ireland.com/board...ad.php?t=59574[/B]

[royaler]

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.

The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides

and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?""Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratumof alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted intoductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place,"

she says.

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,

"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,

"I'm going to slip into

something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor

made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing

but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.

She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,

"We've both been out here for many months.

You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?

She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

"You've built a Golf Course?"

[royaler]

The 100% Conodrum
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.


It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.


This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:


What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.