Joke of the day

[monster_monster]

Everyone keeps warning me about my mate with leprosy.

They're all saying it's contagious, but I'm sure he's 'armless.

[monster_monster]

An old lady at the park said to me today, "I see your dog's fetching balls."

I said, "I know he has but at your age you shouldn't really be looking."

[Forrest]

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.


A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says,
"Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?"
He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"


Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.


"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

[doodlebug]

Did you hear about the two guys stole a calendar......


They got six months each!!!!

[Forrest]

It is well known.......Man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up.


What's the best date to bring on a picnic? One who will arch her back so your balls don't get grass-stained.

[Forrest]

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, plastic - anything she touched would melt!
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition.
Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer.)
.
.
.
.
They were M&M's - (get your mind out of the gutter !!) Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!

[bert dublin]

sorry if it up all ready


During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her
students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young
lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? " Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still
not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain
for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake
hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner." The teacher fainted ...

[Forrest]

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs.
She takes off her pants and her panties.
He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"
She says, "It's me lower mouth."
He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"
She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a moustache... It's got lips..."
He asks, "Has it got a tongue in it?"
She says, "Not yet........"




A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

[Forrest]

Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.


Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.


Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.


Q: Why did they kick the midget out of the nudist colony?
A: He was getting into everybody’s hair.

[Forrest]

Ben has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a
date and finally she agrees to go out with him.
He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy
dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he
pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start kissing and he’s getting pretty excited.
He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him,
saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, OK," he says, "how about a blow job?"
"No way!" she says. "I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"
"I’ve never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you
used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"
She nods and he says, "Well, it’s just like that."
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.
A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest,
his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows
out of his ears and he screams out in pain.
"What’s wrong ? !" she cries.
"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!"