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Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #1
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    Default Joke of the day

    A woman meets a man in a bar.
    They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
    They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
    There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
    It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them. And she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
    There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
    Although she found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears she was quite impressed by his Sensitive side.
    But she doesn't mention this to him.
    They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh, my God! Maybe this guy could be the one!
    Maybe he could be the future father of my children!'
    She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
    He responds warmly.
    They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
    She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, and more heat than she has ever known.
    After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, while they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
    'Well, how was it?'
    The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
    'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!'

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  3. #2

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    very good forrest.

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  5. #3
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    a womans fanny is like a shed roof, if you don't nail it hard enough it will end up next door

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    This guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos. When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite.
    The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three-room suite. The room is on a corner of the hotel and two walls are nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. There's a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen TV The guy drops his bag on money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city. He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high-priced call girls in the city.
    Thirty minutes later there's a knock on the door. The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself.
    "Now, down to business," he says, "how much for a hand job?" The hooker says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00""What, that's outrageous. "Come over here," She says walking towards one of the windows," see that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good.
    "All right, screw it, money is no object." A half hour after she's done the guy is sitting on the couch revelling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself.
    "That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job? Honey, a blow job is $5000.00" "What, that's outrageous." "Come over here," She says walking towards another one of the window, "see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good. "All right, screw it, money is no object." The guy gives her $5000.00.
    An hour after she's done, the guy is laying on the couch, head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks, gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself. "My god, that was the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta know, How much for some pussy?"
    The hooker looks at him and says, "Honey, if I had a pussy I would own this whole city."

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  9. #5
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    A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

    "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only 20."

    "Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.

    "Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch flowery".

    "Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

    Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at The woman. "F===! .... me, a new brothel and a new madam"..

    "I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel," scolds the woman trying not to laugh.

    A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

    "Un-f===king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

    "Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes," complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

    A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave, comes home.

    "In-f==king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"

    Silence......!!!

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  11. #6
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    What does Pinochioes wife say to him

    Lie you Bastard lie

    Join the E-I Fantasy Football League

    http://www.escort-ireland.com/boards...ntasy-Football

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  13. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Doozer View Post
    What does Pinochioes wife say to him

    Lie you Bastard lie

    thats brilliant doozer lol..... whats gray and comes in pints............answer.......an elephant ..

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    It was mailman George's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

    At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

    At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

    When he'd had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

    "All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

    "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him!!! Give him a dollar.'"

    "Breakfast was my idea."

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  17. #9
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    my two favorite hobbies ,fishing and rape.they have much in common,they both start with a lot of waiting around in secluded areas followed by a sudden rush of excitment ..........then the old dilemma......do i kill it or let it go................it only a joke folks ok

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  19. #10
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    a man in his bedroom shouts to his girlfriend come and see my new clock ",when she goes in he's laying naked on the bed with a massive erection..she says ".thats not a clock." he replies it will be when you put two hand and a face on it

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