Weekend Humour

[Natasha]

I always have a giggle when i read your posts Forrest.

[Forrest]

I always have a giggle when i read your posts Forrest.

Thanks Natasha.. Here's another one for you

I suspected my wife was having an affair with Alec Horan.

I needed to go on a business trip for several days, so I decided to set a trap for her. I put a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bedsprings, I suspended a spoon. I had it calibrated so her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and I will detect it upon my return home.

I came home several days later and the first thing I do is reach under the bed and retrieve the bowl.


The bowl is full of butter...

[Forrest]

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser and just wouldn't be parted with it.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died . . .


He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait, just a minute!'

She had a box with her. She came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'

'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?'

'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'

[Forrest]

Wife hits her husband with a frying pan.

H: What was that for?

W: What's this paper with Tina written on it doing in your pocket?

H: Oh that! Remember the day I went to the racetrack? Tina was the name of the horse I bet on.

Wife hits the husband again.

H: What was that for?

W: Your horse just called!

[Forrest]

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware
that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

[Dirty Harry]

good stuff forrest i enjoyed those posts

[Forrest]

good stuff forrest i enjoyed those posts

Here's another one Harry

Wife: You always carry my photo in your briefcase to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, what other problem can there be greater than this one?

[Michelle21]

[QUOTE=Forrest;219946]There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser and just wouldn't be parted with it.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died . . .


He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait, just a minute!'

She had a box with her. She came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'

'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?'

'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'[/QUOTE


very funny..he cannot spend nothing)))

[Forrest]

Cards You Will Never See At Hallmark
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the fuck was I thinking?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"
"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your fucking Christmas card!!!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."
"I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened, especially since you survived."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!
"Congratulations on getting married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"
"I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

[Forrest]

"Just remember... Jesus Loves You - Everyone else thinks you're a jerk!"
"The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, let's say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"If you ever need a friend, buy a dog."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you. And miss you very much."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday -- so we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!"(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky and West Virginia)
"So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay"
"My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!"
"Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me."
"Congratulations on your wedding day... too bad no one likes your husband."
How could two people as beautiful as you... have such an ugly baby?