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Thread: Weekend Humour

  1. #1
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    Default Weekend Humour

    I was talking to my wife about the current financial situation and how she would have to make cutbacks...

    Me: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do without the ironing lady.

    She: Well if you would learn to f**k me properly we could do without the gardener.

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  3. #2

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    Very funny Forrest i like your sense of humour!
    Quote Originally Posted by Forrest View Post
    I was talking to my wife about the current financial situation and how she would have to make cutbacks...

    Me: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do without the ironing lady.

    She: Well if you would learn to f**k me properly we could do without the gardener.
    You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.
    Abraham Lincoln, (attributed)
    16th president of US (1809 - 1865)

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    One night as me and my wife left a party and got into our car, she moved close against me and began working her hand up along my thigh.

    Later, at home, she hurried me up to the bedroom, stripped me off, gave me a magnificent climax and, following a brief rest, began to stroke my body again; then she whispered in my ear:

    "Now you can take the baby sitter home."

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    I always have a giggle when i read your posts Forrest.
    By all mean's go ahead and close doors behind you but don't lock them..


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    Quote Originally Posted by Natasha View Post
    I always have a giggle when i read your posts Forrest.
    Thanks Natasha.. Here's another one for you

    I suspected my wife was having an affair with Alec Horan.

    I needed to go on a business trip for several days, so I decided to set a trap for her. I put a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bedsprings, I suspended a spoon. I had it calibrated so her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and I will detect it upon my return home.

    I came home several days later and the first thing I do is reach under the bed and retrieve the bowl.


    The bowl is full of butter...

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    There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser and just wouldn't be parted with it.

    Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

    And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

    Well, he died . . .


    He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait, just a minute!'

    She had a box with her. She came over with the box and put it in the casket.

    Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

    Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

    The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'

    'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?'

    'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'

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    Wife hits her husband with a frying pan.

    H: What was that for?

    W: What's this paper with Tina written on it doing in your pocket?

    H: Oh that! Remember the day I went to the racetrack? Tina was the name of the horse I bet on.

    Wife hits the husband again.

    H: What was that for?

    W: Your horse just called!

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    A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware
    that her dining companion had disappeared.

    After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

    The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

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    good stuff forrest i enjoyed those posts

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dirty Harry View Post
    good stuff forrest i enjoyed those posts
    Here's another one Harry

    Wife: You always carry my photo in your briefcase to the office. Why?
    Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
    Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
    Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, what other problem can there be greater than this one?

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