Joke of the day

[emmasweet]

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get
you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"
responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating
something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let >> >
me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6
shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

[Forrest]

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife.
So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv.
"So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex,
lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner.
More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day."
"Oh, my god," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."

[longtipp]

The sailor & the prostitute

An old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and for some female company.

There he meets a lovely prostitute, and she takes him up to her room.

Soon they are getting down to business, but the old sailor is struggling to perform .

Seeking some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'Well, you're knot hard. You're knot in. And you're knot getting your money back.'

[Forrest]

Inside a supermarket a woman spots a grandfather and his poorly behaved three-year old grandson.
“Easy, Billy,” says grandfather calmly. “We won’t be long.”
In the cookie aisle, the woman hears the kid whining some more, “I want cookies! Gimme cookies!”
It’s OK Billy, just a couple more minutes, and we’ll be out of here.
Just hang on; you’re doing great,” says the grandfather.
At the check out, the kid screams, “CANDY! I want candy!”
Billy, Billy, relax, pal. Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes.”
The woman is impressed. “You’re amazing,” she tells the grandfather.
“You kept your composure no matter how loud he got. Billy is very lucky to have you as a grandpa.”
“Thanks,” replies the grandfather. “But I’m Billy. The little nuisance is Michael".

[Forrest]

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a
warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted
to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency,
and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored
being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream!
Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson,
MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant
and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA
taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as
Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[La Toya]

We live in a society today, where Pizza-Service delivery comes to your house before the police..!

[Baxter]

We live in a society today, where Pizza-Service delivery comes to your house before the police..!

That would be funny if it wasn't so true !

[La Toya]

Hahahaha...!!

That would be funny if it wasn't so true !

[emmasweet]

The mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened.

I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip.

I get home... and guess what I found ?
...
Yes, your daughter, my wife , with a naked guy in our marital bed!

This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "

There is something very odd going on here.

My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation.

I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

" I told you there must be a simple explanation ..... she didn't receive your E-mail!"

[emmasweet]

A man, his wife, and their eight children were waiting at a bus stop.

Not long after, A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him....

"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is irritating me crazy!!"

The blind man replies: "If you would have put a rubber on YOUR Stick, we'd be sitting in the bus.