Joke of the day

[emmasweet]

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?
Me: “asstasticbum”
Homeless man: “So asstasticbum, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have”
Me: “two?”
Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?”
Me: “two?”
Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?”
Me: “two?”
Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?"
Me: “I don’t know? A lot?”
Homeless man: “Well asstasticbum, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.”

[emmasweet]

The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking around his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes.

One of the old villagers came up to him and said. "Good morning, Vicar, how be you and the wife?"

The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also. I left her in bed smoking."

The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!"

[emmasweet]

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven.
They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you,
what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says,”I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a
huge difference in our children of tomorrow.
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say … Look, He’s Moving!

[UB40]

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.

Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog.

Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog.

Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?"

Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you? No. No. NO!"

[Me4711]

Belgium Front 1914 ... the Germans have the Brits "Pined Down" but this Irish soldier Paddy in the ranks has a brain wave he knows the most common German name is HANS so he fills his pockets with bullets & sneaks up through "No-Mans-Land" to the German trench & Shouts "Hans Haaaannnsss are U there Hans" a German soldier pops his head up & says "Yaaaaaa" & Paddy shoots him, he continues this ploy for ages shooting many German soldiers untill a German Officer see his game & cops on to it, & knows the most common Irish name is Paddy, so he fills up his pockets with bullets & with his "Lugar" crawls up close to where Paddy is & shouts "PADDY Pppaaaddyyy are there Paddy" & the Paddy shouts back "Is that you HANS" ? ....."Yaaaaaa" BANG

[Forrest]

Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
First Lady:Whats that?
Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.
First Lady: Where did you get it?
Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants
a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old),
but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

[Dirty Harry]

i phoned my girlfriend earlier hi babe.i was thinking dinner tonight.my place!she said sure I'll be there at 7.' 7? i said .can you make it 5 , the dinner is not gonna fuckin make itself.

[Dirty Harry]

when asked what it was like getting over a Viagra addiction my buddy said well my first few days were the hardest"

[emmasweet]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.

[Dirty Harry]

a man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing he has lost his case.