Joke of the day

[emmasweet]

A couple were going out for the evening. They’d got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.
The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -“Sorry I took so long” he says, “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!”

[Sexy Fernanda]

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers
from Tesco
Her condition is said to be stable
Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.
Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger.
So I had a £5 each way !
Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the
pony that she's always wanted!
had some burgers from tesco for my tea last night....
I still have a bit between my teeth
Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of
unicorn
anyone want a burger from Tesco? yay or neigh?
"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF"
I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse....."
Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers
confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.
A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?'
Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'
I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse
d'oeuvres.
These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a
dead.. NO! NO NO NO!
Said to the Mrs these Tesco burgers given me terrible trots

To beef or not to beef.
That is equestrian

[UB40]

One fine morning the milkman arrives at the house of family Jones. Mrs. Jones opens the door, and asks him to come inside. She invites him in the kitchen, where a huge and very good breakfast is prepared for him. He sits down and very much enjoys all the excellent food. When he is finished she asks him to come upstairs, and the milkman certainly has a good time!

When they dress and go down, she gives him a 5 dollar bill. Now the milkman is really surprised, and asks where the 5 dollars are for. She replies: "Well, yesterday I told my husband that is was your birthday today, and he said: "So what, fuck the milkman, give him 5 bucks." But the breakfast was entirely my idea!"

[Dirty Harry]

I was leaving a restaurant last night when i noticed that the neon 'exit' sign was flickering on and off. I walked back in and said to the manager excuse me but your exit sign is faulty. The manager said yeah i know its on the way out!

[Dirty Harry]

My girlfriend was missing for two days so i phoned the police after giving them a description they immediately ruled out kidnapping and rape.

[Dirty Harry]

A muslim man was found dead in a public toilet.it appears that a bomb which he had concealed in his arse exploded prematurely.police are trying to piece together his last movements.

[emmasweet]

Little Billy’s class was on a field trip to the local police station when he noticed pictures of the “Ten Most Wanted Criminals” on the bulletin board. He asked the policeman conducting the tour if the men in the photos were really wanted by the police.


“Oh, yes,” said the policeman. “We want very badly to capture them.”


Little Billy asked, “Then why didn’t you keep them when you took their pictures?”

[emmasweet]

One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends.


She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees.


The boy says to the girl: "Go on climb that tree."


The girls climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girls pants.


After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened.


Her mum says: "oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."


The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again.


He told her to climb again and she did.


when she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says: "My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."


The girl replied and said: "No actually I tricked him, this time i did not wear any pants!"

[Forrest]

Little Johnny went fishing with his Grandpa.
And after a couple of uneventful hours, grandpa decided to crack a can of Bud.
Little Johnny being thirsty, asked if he could have some.
Grandpa asked Johnny if his penis could touch his asshole.
Johnny responded that no, it could not, it was too short.
Grandpa told Johnny that that meant he was too young to have beer.
An hour or so later, after catching a decent smallmouth, grandpa lights up a cigarette.
Johnny, curious, asks if he can try one. Grandpa asks the same thing.
"Johnny, can your penis touch your asshole?".
Again, Johnny responds that it's too short. "Then you are too young" says grandpa.
Johnny, frustrated, comforts himself with some homemade cookies his mom sent along.
Grandpa thinks they look delicious and asks if he can have one.
Johnny asks grandpa if his penis can touch his asshole.
Grandpa says yes, Johnny, it can, I know I'm big enough for a cookie.
Johnny replies "Well then go fuck yourself grandpa, these are my cookies!"

[La Toya]

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell..!!! The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"....:lmao