Joke of the day

[monster_monster]

I bumped into Sian Massey in the street today. I said, "Are you aware of the uproar caused after you officiated at the Liverpool v Wolves game? I mean, two Sky Sports pundits were..."

"Yeah yeah," she interrupted. "Tell me something I don't know."

So I explained the offside rule.

[Forrest]

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients.
He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought
it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with
their patients so its not like you're the first...".
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his
head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians".

[Forrest]

This little, tiny guy walks into his doctor's office
screaming, "Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!!"
The doctor says, "I have to deal with this other
patient first and then I'll get to you."
The little guy screams, "But doctor!! I'm SHRINKING!!"
Exasperated, the doctor says, "Well I'm sorry,
you'll just have to be a little patient!"

[Forrest]

Three guys are discussing women.
"I like to watch a woman's breasts best," the first guy says.
The second says "I like to look at a woman's butt."
He asks the third guy, "What about you?"
"Me? I prefer to see the top of her head.


Q: What's the definition of oral sex?
A: The taste of things to come.


The bar was getting ready to close,
so a guy asked the nearest woman,
"What would you say to a little "oral" activity?"
"That all depends,..." she quickly responded.
"..... Your face, or mine?"

[Forrest]

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.



A man is pulled over by the police for speeding.
As the police officer is writing up the ticket, The man asks
"Can you arrest me for calling you something really abusive?"
"Yes" replies the officer.
He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?"
"Of course not" replies the officer.
"In that case," says the man, "I think you're a cunt."

[Forrest]

This man and this woman are sitting next to each other in first class, flying to Paris.
The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe
what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man
sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to
go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass.
The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off.
The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times
you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to
wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry
to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when sneeze,
I ejaculate." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

[Forrest]

They made an engaging looking couple in the swanky restaurant:
The man was handsome, greying and obviously well off;
the woman was a joy to any eye -- very young, ravishing and delectable.
As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat.
She scanned the menu yet again, and said "To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails,
then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I'll have
the filet of English sole followed by pheasant under glass, plus an a la carte order of asparagus tips.
For dessert, they may just bring the cart."
Somewhat surprised not only by her appetite, but by the cost of all of this, he asked,
"Tell me. Do you eat this well at home, too?"
"Well, no." she admitted, "But no one at home wants to shag me."

[Galway_Stud]

savage joke poor oul dave got caught

[Forrest]

English. MI5 Agents.
American. FBI Agents.
Russian. KGB Agents.
Pakistani. Newsagents.

[dr love]

An 80yr old man walks into Jewellers with a gorgeous 25yr old fit blonde & asks 4 a special ring 4 the lady, jeweller says "Here's one £5000." Old man says "No I want a very special ring." So he pulls 1 out £65,000, he says "That's the 1, I'll write a cheque & when it clears on Monday we'll come & fetch it." On Monday jeweller phones old man & says "There's no money in the account." Old man says "I know, but can U imagine the fuckin weekend I've had!!"