Joke of the day

[emmasweet]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.


However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.


The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.


After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!


One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"


"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

[simplesimon]

Hello, is this the Police?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left
The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy"

[gaz72]

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband’s temper and threatening manner.

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?

The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinnae know what to do. Every time ma auld man comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
She says: "Doctor that was a effin brilliant! Evrae time ma auld man came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!

Tell me Doc....wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all…it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

[Sexy Fernanda]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[takemedrunkimhome]

David Beckham gets into a cab, and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror, after about 5 minutes, the driver says, ok give me a clue. Becks says, I had a glittering career at Man U, played in America and also got over 100 caps for England, is that enough ? Driver says 'No you thick cunt, where you going ?'

[The Equalizer]

What part of the body gets bigger with excitement ?

The pupil of the eye

[simplesimon]

SINGLE vs. ENGAGED vs. MARRIED!!

Sipping her drink, the SINGLE girl leered and said, "Last Friday, at the
end of the work day, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather
coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had
on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so
aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The... ENGAGED woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When
my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black
mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on
that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The MARRIED woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I
made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long
scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight
leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch
stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home
from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey,
Batman, what's for dinner?" =)) :'( X_X

[simplesimon]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

[Cassandra]

http://www.explosm.net/comics/2976/#bUd6f2AgxVu3KIaZ.01

[Sexy Fernanda]

Paddy is fitting a kitchen in a posh house when the woman asks him if he'd like something to drink. Paddy accepts and soon after the woman brings him a mug of coffee.

"Excellent coffee, to be sure," says Paddy.

"Thank you," says the woman. "My husband brought it back from Brazil."

"That's great," says Paddy, "and it's still warm as well."