Joke of the day

[Sexy Fernanda]

Aye ,they would do that alright,could be worse Kat ,you could marry an Irish man and end up doing his laundry,the sheets could probably stand up on there own,lol.

I can garantee to u;the only I would do was him!!!

[Sexy Fernanda]

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone change her hair colour.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

[simplesimon]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[gaz72]

When I was a kid my parents used to let me put my pocket money in a special money box under the stairs

I was twelve before I found out it was the fucking gas meter!!!

[warmcome]

good news: after 11 months, we finally sold our house!

bad news: we have to give them 100k!

[gaz72]

I think my relationship is in bother.

When I'm having sex with my girlfriend, I fantasize about having a wank.

[mer]

what did the tv say to the remote? baby you turn me on

[Sexy Fernanda]

It was opening night at the theatre and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famous hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists, who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.

"The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off it's polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces!

"Shit"! yelled Claude. It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

[gaz72]

Turning off my wife's life support machine was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I mean, have you ever tried to pull a plug from a socket, when you've got a glass of champagne in one hand and a vuvuzela in the other?

[emmasweet]

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.


Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?"


"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't
pout when I yell at them."