Joke of the day

[emmasweet]

Wife: Honey….. What are you looking for ?
Husband : Nothing…
Wife : Nothing…?? You`ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour ???
Husband : I was just looking for the expiration date …

[emmasweet]

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
“You’ve done very well so far,” said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter,
“but for a million euros you’ve only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?”
“Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!”
“Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? “
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?”
“I haven’t got a clue..” said Mick, ”So I’ll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin …”
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
“Hell, Mick!” cried Paddy. “Dat’s simple it’s a cuckoo.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, “I’ll go with cuckoo as my answer.”
“Is that your final answer?” asked Chris.
“Dat it is.”
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million euros!”
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
“Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?”
“Because he lives in a clock!”

[Dirty Harry]

I was really annoyed when the wife called me a sex addict..the word sex made me cum inside my new trousers.

[Cassandra]

After an hour of gathering up his courage, a shy man
finally approaches a sexy blonde at the bar.
"Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She shouts, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you ugly cunt, fuck off!!"
Everyone in the bar stops and stares. Completely embarrassed,
the guy goes back to his table, head down with a red face.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate
student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing public situations."
To which the man responds as loudly as possible,
"What do you mean 200 quid for a blow job???"

Aiyshe that's cruel

[emmasweet]

Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?


1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.


2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.


3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.


4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.


5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.


6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.


7. It's best to have a soft place to land.


8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.


9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.


10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.


11. Once you learn, you never forget how.


12. If you fall off get right back on.


13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.


14. Remember to signal before you change direction.


15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.


16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.


17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.


18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.

[Clueless]

Aiyshe that's cruel

Which part?

[Sexy Fernanda]

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were fixing fish.

This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John - he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.

They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was sitting down to their fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.

The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over at John's place to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water.

He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

[Cassandra]

This is the Northsiders revenge on jokes about them.

How does a southsidw women tell her husband that she just had an orgasm?




She rings him from Cookock!

.

What does a northsider use as protection during sex? .... A bus shelter.

[ladytron]

a man who needed a rest was charged by police for resisting arrest

[UB40]

.

What does a northsider use as protection during sex? .... A bus shelter.

What does a Northsider and Batman have in common ?


Neither can go into town without Robbin!