Aprils Comp

[bhoywonder]

My wife passed her driving test last week.


She must be better at sucking cock than I gave her credit for.

[bhoywonder]

I was sucking off this bird last night when I thought, "Wait a minute..."

[kerry lad in town]

Rover hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Rover, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

The next day, Mary ran into one of Rover's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

[rover]

Rover hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Rover, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

The next day, Mary ran into one of Rover's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

The Winner!

[rover]

Let Me Cum
Kerry lad in town tells his wife "Let me cum in your ear". She says "no you trying to make me go deaf". He says "I cum in your mouth all the time and you never shut the fuck up"

[Forrest]

Some years ago, Forrest married an attractive woman, Felicity half his
age, in a small coastal Irish community. (Cork)

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed
during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding
with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big
towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would
cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple
hired a strong young man from Kerry (Kerry Lad) to wave that big towel over them
as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to
the Vet.
The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young Kerry Lad have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young Kerry Lad and in
a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya wave a fukkin'
towel!'

It started so well, then Maggie & Oaddy had to come along and ruin it.

[Forrest]

3 gay guys are in a tub. A condom floats to the top and one of them says "Who Farted?"

[Mousey]

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson go away for a picnic and camping trip. They have their walk, eat their tea and crumpets, pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep.

In the middle of the night, Holmes nudges Watson awake. "Look up at the stars, Watson, and tell me what you see."

Watson looks up into the sky, thinks for a minute, then says, "Astrologically speaking, I can say that Saturn is in Leo. Astronomically speaking, I can say that there are billions of stars and millions of galaxies. Theologically speaking, I can say that God is vast and we are small and insignificant. Chronologically speaking, I can tell you that it's a quarter past three in the morning. And meteorologically speaking, I can tell you that it's going to be a good day tomorrow."

Holmes looks disgusted. "Is that all?"

Watson nods. "Why, did I miss something?"

Holmes yells, "WATSON, YOU DICKHEAD! SOMEONE'S STOLEN THE FUCKING TENT!!!!"

[Alec Horan]

Experienced Punter is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

[Alec Horan]

Alec Horan walks into the Patcave and tells Patricia that he wants a job as a Mod.

Patricia says, "Okay, but there is one rule you have to follow. You cannot get an erection while you are trying to become a Mod."

Alec is confused but says OK. He is stripped of his clothing. A bell is tied around his penis and he is put into a room with all the other Mods.

Then Felicity and Nicole are sent naked walking across the room and all the Mods bells are quiet, and Alecs is ringing away. Alec begs for another chance and is given this chance. The girls start licking each other , Alecs bell is ringing so loud it bursts Patricias eardrum.

Pat says to Alec, "Pick up your stuff and go. You are unfit for this organization. " As Alec bends over to pick up his stuff, all the Mods bells start ringing..... .