Aprils Comp

[bhoywonder]

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.They asked me what I
would like for my birthday.
I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.It was very nice of them, but I
think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."



Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub
her tummy and say "congratulations."
But none of them rub your d1ck and say "well done"?



Honestly some folk will take offence at anything.
I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I
asked was "How are you getting on?"



Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby
"Is this yours?" she asked.
"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"



My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken
jaw.
It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted
decking on the patio.



Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to
spend 10 minutes licking his ears!!

Personally I think its bollocks!!



They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are
right.
After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!



What's the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a
rucksack?
The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.



Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in
my room disabled?"
"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."



A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her
twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a
moustache!"



A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.
"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor."Yes. Homer is a
fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

[rover]

There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...

They buried her.

[Epsilon]

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's
incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week,
I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10
milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient
an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the
first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

[Epsilon]

One day, at a bus stop there's a girl wearing a skintight miniskirt. Just as she's about to get
on the bus she realises that her skirt is so tight she can't lift her foot high enough to reach
the first step. Thinking it will give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reaches back and
unzips her skirt a little. However, she can't reach the step, so she reaches back once again to
unzip it a little more. But still she can't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway
down, she reaches back and unzips her skirt all the way. Thinking that she can get on the step
now, she lifts up her leg only to realize it's still impossible. Seeing how embarrassed the girl
is, the man standing behind her puts his hands around her waist and lifts her up on to the first
step of the bus. The girl turns around furiously and screams, "How dare you touch my body that way,
I don't even know you!" Shocked, the man says, "Well, after you reached around and unzipped my fly
three times, I figured that we were friends."

[Epsilon]

A man goes to a fancy dress party completely naked with only a glass jar covering his privates. A shocked
woman asks him: "What are you meant to be?" "I’m a fireman," replies the bloke. "But you’re only wearing
a glass jar," says the woman. "Exactly," shoots back the bloke. "In an emergency, break glass, pull knob
and I’ll come as soon as I can!"

[Epsilon]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
'Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely!

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and
solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered . 'Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me.'

[Forrest]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks
in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit!!!

[rover]

Two men both have 9:00 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic. A nurse greets the two men, tells them she has to prepare them for surgery and takes them to a private room. She asks the first man to sit down on the examination table and take off his clothes, which he does. She then tells him to have a wank
"What!" he says, "What’s that all about?"
She replies "It’s standard procedure to ensure you have no blockages."

Once done, the nurse tells the second man to sit down on the examination table and take off his clothes. When he is up on the table, the nurse licks her lips, and begins to perform fellatio on him.

Upon seeing this, the first man interrupts, "Hey, what’s this? I have to wank, and he gets a blow job. That’s not fair."

The nurse looks up at the first man and says, "Sorry, but that’s the difference between the Dept. of Social Welfare and VHI!"

[kerry lad in town]

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"

[kerry lad in town]

A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.
"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.
"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.
"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.
"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.
The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"