Aprils Comp

[Davidd]

Sister Mary was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Laura said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"

Sister Mary's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"

"A prostitute!" Laura exclaimed.

Sister Mary breathed a sight of relief and said "Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!"

[rover]

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

Oh, no: I never found her head.

[rover]

Paddy the Englisman, Paddy the Scotsman and Paddy the Irishman visited a brothel in Soho.

The Proprietress said sorry lads we're fully booked out tonight, but I have this rubber woman if you're interested.

So the three lads said fair enough, we're not going to get anything much better tonight.

So Paddy the Scotsman went up first and 25 minutes later he came down and the other two lads asked how he got on, Fantastic he said,
I rode her from behind, I shoved it in her mouth, I rode her from the front, I did everything to her.

Paddy the Englishman nearly fell up the stairs when it was his turn and he was up there for at least 35 mins, when he came down the lads asked him how he got on, Terrific he said, I shagged her rotten, went in from behind, rammed it down her throat, did everything.

At this point Paddy the Irishman was nearly cumming in his trousers and rushed up the stairs.

Two minutes later he came down with a perplexed look on his face, the other two lads said your down rather quickly, what happened?

Paddy said I gave her a lovebite first and she flew out the window

[the good guy]

rude parrot in a pet shop kept on cursing at all the customers, when kids where in the shop the parrot would whistle and say " you wankers"

one day a priest visited the pet shop and heard the parrot cursing and saying " your all wankers"
the priest said to owner that he would take the parrot to his parish and teach him some manners.

a few days later the priest returns with the parrot . The parrot is sitting on his perch and had two strings hanging from each leg.


the owner looked at the priest confused and said " why are there 2 strings hanging from my parrots legs"

the priest says " i took him to my parish and thought him some manners" and told the owner to pull the string on the parrots right leg? so the owner pulled the string on the parrots right leg and the parrot said " hail mary full of grace the lord is with thee"

"amazing" said the owner

" now pull the string on his left leg" said the priest?
so the owner pulled the string on his left leg

" our father who art in heaven hallowed be thi name" said the parrot

the owner clearly delighted with his parrots new found manners looked at the priest in amazment and said
" what happens if i pull both strings together at the same time"?

" ill fall and break my bollox" said the parrot..lol

[Forrest]

A man goes to bed & reaches over to his wife.
He starts sliding his hand slowly across her shoulders, then down her side just glancing her breasts, then carries on down her side & legs.
He moves her legs apart & slowly runs his hand up and down the inner side of her thighs.
He moves back towards the top and stops.
His wife moans: “Why have you stopped?”
He replies: “I’ve found the remote. Go back to sleep you fat bitch”.

[Mousey]

Eastern European guy goes into a pub, looks at the various bottles on display behind the bar and asks the barman, "Can you recommend a good port?"

The barman says, "Rosslare - now fuck off!"

[Forrest]

Father O’Connor keeps chickens behind the church in a coop.
One Sunday he goes to feed them and finds that the cock’s gone missing.
He knows that there is cock fighting in the village, so, at mass, he questions the congregation.
“Has anybody got a cock?” All the men stand up.
“No, no. I meant has anyone seen a cock?” All the women stand up.
“No, no, no. That’s not what I meant either. Has anyone seen my cock?”
16 altar boys, 2 priests and a goat stand up.

[Forrest]

Chris Tarrant asking a contestant on ‘Who wants to be a millionaire’

For £32,000, what is the colour of the hairs on your wife’s fanny?

Is it: a) Brown; b) Red; c) Blonde; d) Black

Kerryman replies: Can I phone a friend?

[kerry lad in town]

Some years ago, Forrest married an attractive woman, Felicity half his
age, in a small coastal Irish community. (Cork)

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed
during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding
with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big
towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would
cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple
hired a strong young man from Kerry (Kerry Lad) to wave that big towel over them
as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to
the Vet.
The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young Kerry Lad have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young Kerry Lad and in
a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya wave a fukkin'
towel!'

[bhoywonder]

My mates have always mocked me about the size of my penis.

Although, I've never heard the wife moan.