Joke of the day

[Rod Stewart]

What does a Northsider and Batman have in common ?


Neither can go into town without Robbin!

class!!

[The Equalizer]

A single woman was desperate to find herself a man. She tried everything to meet a potential partner; internet dating, she joined clubs etc but all to no avail. Out of desperation, the woman puts an ad in the newspaper.

The ad read:

Kind hearted girl would like to meet polite, friendly man for a possible relationship. Needn't be hansome, neednt be rich, I only ask three things:

Never raise your hands to me
Never walk out on me
Give me "all your love"

Sitting at home a few nights later, the woman hears "ding-dong", and she opens the door. Low and behold, there was a man in a wheelchair with no hands, and his feet had been amputated. He said "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. I'd like to see if we could possibly, start a relationship"

The woman said "But you have no hands"
The man said "Then I'll never raise my hands to you"
"But you have no feet"
"Then I'll never walk out on you"
"And the other?"
"Rang you doorbell, didn't I?"

[ladytron]

a high school decides to revamp its syllabus and changes the course of history

[emmasweet]

Donald: It's strange to find my wife so scared of water.

Tony: How do you find out?

Donald: I reached home early from work yesterday and found her in the bath tub with the security guard!

[warmcome]

waiter: did you enjoy you're meal sir, anything else?

diner: why yes, i want some destructive and crap drugs?

waiter: the bars open till midnight and theres a machine in the foyet.

boom boom

[royaler]

There's always one.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect
Customer Support employee.

Operator:
'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller:
'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator:
'What sort of trouble??'

Caller:
'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator:
'Went away?'

Caller:
'They disappeared.'

Operator:
So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller:
'Nothing.'

Operator:
'Nothing??'

Caller:
'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator:
'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller:
'How do I tell?'

Operator:
'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller:
'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator:
'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller:
'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator:
'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller:
'What's a monitor?'

Operator:
'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on??'

Caller:
'I don't know.'

Operator:
'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it.. Can you see that??'

Caller:
'Yes, I think so.'

Operator:
'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall.

Caller:
'Yes, it is.'

Operator:
'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

Caller:
'No.'

Operator:
'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable.'

Caller:
'Okay, here it is.'

Operator:
'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer.'

Caller:
'I can't reach.'

Operator:
'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller:
'No.'

Operator:
'Even if you maybe put your kn ee on something and lean way over??'

Caller:
'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's
dark.'

Operator:
'Dark??'

Caller:
'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
the window.

Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller:
'I can't.'

Operator:
'No? Why not??'

Caller:
'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator:
'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing
stuff your computer came in??'

Caller:
'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator:
'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it.Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller:
'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator:
'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller:
'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator:
'Tell them you're too f****nstupid to own a computer!!!!!'

[Sexy Fernanda]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their domestic duties.

The first man had married a woman from Italy and boasted that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from France. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, all the dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a delicious dinner on the. table.

The third man had married an Irish girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, the dishes washed, the cooking done and the laundry washed. And this was all entirely her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!

[simplesimon]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their domestic duties.

The first man had married a woman from Italy and boasted that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from France. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, all the dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a delicious dinner on the. table.

The third man had married an Irish girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, the dishes washed, the cooking done and the laundry washed. And this was all entirely her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!

sometimes the old one are the best
i would just like to thank everyone who posts the jokes
they are good fun

[Sexy Fernanda]

Morris walks out into the street and hails a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.

You're just like Liam." "Who?" "Liam O'Connor. There's a lad who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Liam.""Every path has its puddle" says Morris." "It wasn't like that with Liam," says the cabbie."He was a brilliant athlete. He could have played football for Kerry.

He could golf with the pros. He sang like Ronan Tynon and he danced like Michael Flatley. What's more, he had a memory like Methusalah. He could remember everyone's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole town goes out.""No wonder you remember him." says Morris. "Well, I never actually met the man."

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris. "I married his widow."

[very shy guy]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their domestic duties.

The first man had married a woman from Italy and boasted that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from France. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, all the dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a delicious dinner on the. table.

The third man had married an Irish girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, the dishes washed, the cooking done and the laundry washed. And this was all entirely her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!

Aye ,they would do that alright,could be worse Kat ,you could marry an Irish man and end up doing his laundry,the sheets could probably stand up on there own,lol.