Joke of the day

[Forrest]

He lay her on the table so white, clean & bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat, he rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and felt her breasts and, drooling, touched her thighs.
The slit was wet and everything set, he gave a joyful cry.
The hole was wide, he looked inside: All was dark & murky.
He rubbed his hands then stretched his arms, and stuffed that bloody Turkey.

[royaler]

Santa does get frustrated too!

One Christmas Eve Santa was dying with the flu but obviously he just didn't have the luxury of taking to the bed.
So he battled on ...
But later one of the elves got a bit cheeky and gave him some back chat while packing presents
Santa ate the face off him ...
Then all the elves went on strike.
Santa battled on on his own packing presents .... Mrs Claus was down in the pub getting pissed
After he had all the presents packed on the sleigh he went to get the reindeers
But the reindeer had heard about elves and decided to go on strike in solidarity
Then Mrs Claus fell in the door .... ossified
After he put her to bed he heard a knock on the door
He opened it to find a little fairy dragging a huge Christmas Tree behind him
The little fairy said "where will I put this big tree Santa?"
........................................................
And that my friends is the story of how the fairy ended up on 'top' of the Christmas tree !!!!!!!!!!!!!

[emmasweet]

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys."

She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

[Dirty Harry]

I came home early from work yesterday and found the wife on the bed.i went to hang my coat in the wardrobe and she screamed don't open the wardrobe your christmas present is in there. Too late i said as i opend the door. The stupid bitch got me a half naked milkman.....wtf?

[Dirty Harry]

I saw a piece of chewing gum in an urinal today.As I was pissing i thought to myself jesus that must have been sore!.

[royaler]

Christmas .... a tough time for families ???


A Dublin man calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your daybut I have to tell you that your mother andI are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.“We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you callyour sister in Manchester and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls home immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing,DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.' !!!!!!!!!!

[royaler]

Some advice for you all for the festive season

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several beers, a few shorts followed by a couple of shots, feeling quite jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've rarely done before - I decided to take a taxi home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a Garda road block but since it was a taxi they waved it past, I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a taxi before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I’m not sure what to do with it.

[nautural bbw]

a man sat by his dying wife's bed.then in a sleepy voice.she said.hone i have something i need to confess.the husband said.honey don't worry.she said.i want to diewith a clean conscience.she said i fucked ur dad,his friend,andur bother too.he whispered to her.honey i know.that's why i poisioned you.u fucking bitch.now close ur eyes.

[samlad]

An old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge, he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied,

"A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "6."

The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

[emmasweet]

A husband and wife decided they needed to use “code” to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter”.
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.” The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.”
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”