Joke of the day

[Floki]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello?"

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only two thousand pounds. Is it okay if I buy it?"

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."

Man: "How much?"

Woman: "I think its 68,000 pounds."

Man: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."

Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. The asking-price is 1.25 million."

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 1 mil."

Woman: "Okay, honey, you're the best! I love you!"

Man: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

He starts to smile and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

[Dirty Harry]

The wife suggested we swap roles in bed tonight but I'm not keen.

I don't think I could fuck without moving.

[tom sand]

my niece told me this one
how do you make a tissue dance

put a buggy in it

[UB40]

I hate people that take drugs...........







Such as the Gardai and Customs Officers

[emmasweet]

A woman goes into a restaurant and sits at a table. As she bends down to reach into her handbag on the floor, she lets out a rather large fart. Noticing the waiter approaching, she sits up abruptly, glares at the waiter and shouts “Stop that”
The waiter replies, “Sure, just tell me which way did it go?”

[UB40]

A woman goes into a restaurant and sits at a table. As she bends down to reach into her handbag on the floor, she lets out a rather large fart. Noticing the waiter approaching, she sits up abruptly, glares at the waiter and shouts “Stop that”
The waiter replies, “Sure, just tell me which way did it go?”

Nice one!!

[UB40]

Perhaps you've heard about the Irish abortion clinic?




It has a twelve months waiting list !!!

[willie wacker]

I went to the supermarket today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner

[UB40]

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman.
She decides that she really needs a haircut. She skates into the first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, "I need a haircut."
The hairdresser checks her out and says, "OK, sit down and take off your headphones."
"No way!" shouts the blonde, "If I take off my headphones, I'll die!" "
Then I can't give you a haircut," replies the hairdresser.
So the blonde gets up and leaves and skates further down the board-walk. She sees another salon, goes in, and says to the hairdresser, "I need a haircut... but you can't take off my headphones or I'll die!"
The hairdresser looks at her a little weird, but says, "OK, no problem. Have a seat." So the blonde sits down and the hairdresser comes up behind her, and when she isn't looking, rips the headphones off her head. Suddenly the blonde starts choking, and soon turns blue in the face, then keels over and dies right there in the salon chair. The hairdresser is a little freaked by this. The hairdresser leans over and cautiously listens into the blonde's headphones and hears...
"Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."

[SteveB]

Perhaps you've heard about the Irish abortion clinic?




It has a twelve months waiting list !!!

It's in England!
Unfortunately, this isn't a joke, and it isn't funny.