Joke of the day

[whiteball]

A man dies and arrives at Heaven. As he's standing at
the Pearly Gates he notices a wall of clocks behind St.
Peter.
He asked, ''What are all those clocks for?''
St. Peter replied' "Those are lie clocks, every time
someone tells a lie the hands on the clock move.''
"Oh!" says the man. "Whose clock is that?" he says
pointing.
"That's Mother Theresa's, it's hands never moved,"
St. Peter.
"Wow!" says the man. "And whose clock is That."
"That's Abramham Lincoln's clock, It's hands have
only moved twice," says St. Peter.
"Where's Mehole Martin's clock?" asks the man.
St. Peter replies, "We're using it as a ceiling fan."

[whiteball]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his month and
nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four
hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse
appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask.
"Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't
know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body
and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles
black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
his testicles in the other. Lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing
wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful,
but listen very, very closely.....
Are-my-test-results-back?"

[whiteball]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging
two large garbage bags behind her. One of the bags
was ripped and every once in awhile a E20 note fell out
onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am,
there are E20 notes falling out of that bag."
"Oh really? Dam I'd better go back and see if I can find
them. Thanks for telling me, officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get
all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no," said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is
right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee
though a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then
I thought, why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand
behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge
clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing trough my fence,
I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.k., buddy! Give me E20
or off it comes!'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."

[whiteball]

A lucky guy sees his girl home kissing on her
door step asks if he can come in for a snuggle
on the sofa. The rest was said in whispers.
OK but don't make a sound, Mam and Dad are
upstairs asleep.
After a while he whispers, can I use the toilet?
No! She says mum and dad will hear you.
I'm busting the guy says, please.
She says ok, use the kitchen sink but be quiet, ok
10 minutes later she whispers are you finished? He
replied, have you got any paper?

[whiteball]

A farmer was sitting in the local pub
getting drunk. A man came in and asked
the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting
here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied,
!Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so Horrible?"
the man asked as he sat down next to
the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said "today I was
setting by my cow, milking her. Just as
I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her
left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okey," said the man, "but that's not so
bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the
farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied
it to the post on the left."
"And Then."
"Well I sat back down and continued to milk
her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she
took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
Man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't
explain."
"So , what did you you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the
post on the right."
"And Then?"
"Well, I Sat back down and begun milking her
again. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, the
stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her
tail."
"Hmmm..." the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer
said.
"So what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, I didn't have anymore
robe, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the
rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and
my wife walked in...some things you just can't
explain."

[whiteball]

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday.
He spends $50,000 and feels really good about
the results. On his way home he stops at a newsstand
and buys a paper. before leaving he says to the salesclerk,
"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you
think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply. "I'm 47," the man says feeling
really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch,
and asks the order taker the same question, to which the
reply is, "Oh you look about 29."
"I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good. While
standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same
question. She replies, "I 85 years old and my eyesight is
going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling
a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with
your bits and bobs for ten minutes I will be able your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and
let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old
lady says, "OK, its done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

[whiteball]

Solicitors should never ask a Knocknaheeny granny
a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trail in Cork a small time prosecuting solicitor
called his first witness, a grandmother, elderly woman
to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs Murphy,
do you know me?" She responded, "Yes, I do know you,
Mr. Burke. I've know you since you were a boy and frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat
on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big lad you haven't
the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than
a two-bit pen pusher. Yes I know you."
The solicitor was stunned. Not knowing what to do, He pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs Murphy do you know the defence
lawyer?" She again replied, "Why yes I do. I've know Mr. Cummins
since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, snobby, and he has a
drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone
and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire country. Not to
mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of
them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and , in a
very quit voice, said. "If either of you idiots ask her ask her if she
knows me, I'll send you both to Cork prison for ten years each."

[whiteball]

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey the
donkey that he entered it in the race again and it
won again.
The local paper headline read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT
FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity
that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey
in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP
SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the
Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby
convent, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would
have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for
$10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun
to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it
could run wild.
The next day the headline read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS
IS WILD ABD FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is... being concerned about public
opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten
your life.
So stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your
own!!! You'll be a lot happier and live longer.

[joggon]

All bikes in a Dublin city bicycle rental scheme have female names, the app tells you how long “you’re riding Mary” & how much she costs

[whiteball]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that,
Despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Cilla Black, Who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not been too forward, I'd luv to
'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad
passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for
half an hour, and we can have better sex. But while I'm shleeping, hold
my balls in your left hand and my willie in your right hand."
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than
before.
Then Sean says," Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an
hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......"
"I know Sean yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun"
Cilla Complies with the rountine. The Results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell
me, dis .oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other -does it really stimulate
yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shept with a scouser, the fucking
bitch stole my wallet."