Joke of the day

[whiteball]

A young woman was in bed with her young lover
when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry, she said, stand in the corner." She rubbed
Baby oil all over him, and then totally dusted him
all over with Talcum powder.
"Right, don't move until I tell you," She said "just
pretend you're a statue."
"What's this...?" the husband inquired as he entered
the room.
"Oh, it's a statue." she replied. "The Smiths bought
one and I liked it so much I got one for us too."
No more was said not even when they went to bed.
Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen
and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue," have this. I stood like
that for two fucken days at the Smiths and nobody
offered me a damned thing."

[whiteball]

An old man crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.
The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts
the old man and says, "Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you
to a pulp."
The old man replies, "Woah wait buddy I don't have that much
money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins."
The old man dials his son as he is about to speak the owner of
the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says, "So
you train dolphins well your old man just hit and damaged my car,
you bring me $10,0000 or I'm goanna beat the heck outta him and
you!"
The son answers, "Give me 15 minutes and I'll be there." In exactly
15 minutes the son pulls up in a jeep, ten men jump out and beat
the hell out of the expensive owner.
Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says, "Dad I train
Navy Seals not Dolphins."

[whiteball]

One Sunday a cowboy went to church.
When he entered, he saw that he and
the preacher were the only one's present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted
to go ahead preach. The cowboy said; "I'm
not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle
and only one showed up, I'll still feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-
half hours. The preacher finally finished and came
to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very
smart, But if I went to feed my cattle and only
one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hey."

[WellDressed]

I broke my arm in two places.

You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places....

[GarenLiam]

xD hilarious

[joggon]

[whiteball]

"I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex,"
screamed the wife to her "husband. I'm really disappointed."
"You can hardly blame me," he answered. "It's not like I was
getting any from you."
"Well that's your fault," she replied. "You never told me you
were willing to pay for it."

[whiteball]

For several years, a man was having an affair
with an Italian woman. One night, she confided
in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her
a large sum of money if she would go to Italy
to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy
to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when
the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her
to simply mail him a post card, and write, 'Spaghetti,'
on the back. He would then arrange for child support
payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his
confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very
strange post card today."
"Oh, really? Let me see...," he said. The wife gave it to
him and watched as her husband read the card, turned
white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.
Send extra sauce."

[whiteball]

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation,
"Someone in this congregation has spread a
rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This
is a horrible lie and one which a Christain
community cannot tolerate, I am embarrassed
and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want
the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness
from God and this Christain family."
The preacher continued, "Do you have the Nerve to
face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember,
you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel
glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a
body that would stop traffic... rose from the third
pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered
as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member
of the KU Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my
friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

[whiteball]

A ma in Tesco's tries to buy half a cauliflower.
The young assistant tells him that they sell
only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and
asks to see the Manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the backroom, the boy said to his
manager, "Some prick out there wants to buy
half a cauliflower."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the
man standing behind him, so he added, "And this
man has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went
on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed
with the way you got yourself out of that situation.
We like people who think on their feet here. Where
are you from son?"
"Glasgow, sir," the boy replied. "Well why did you
leave Glasgow?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, There's nothing but whores and
footballers up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Glasgow."
"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"