Joke of the day

[monster_monster]

The Irish Football Team

The only thing that still looks shit, even in HD

[Forrest]

A few years ago a very important meeting took place among God, the Pope and Moses. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner and there were many people who saw nothing wrong in what he had done. They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across.

Now, the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great meditation and discussion they concluded: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.

[Forrest]

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them.
Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier.
Adam said, "This morning Eve and I made love for the first time."
God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"
Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."
"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."

[ChiefHandker]

One cold night a man passed away peacefully in his sleep. Next thing he knew he was looking at St Peter guarding the pearly gates of heaven. Peter asked a number of questions about his life which he replied as best he could. Peter then added:
"Have you lived a life of virtue, free of sin and corruption?"
The man paused and regretfully confessed to having committed adultery twice during his marriage. At this, Peter handed him the keys to toyota corola and then let him into heaven to be on his way.

A second recently deceased man then approached Peter and was given the same questions. At the last one, the man broke down admitting to having cheated on his wife several times througout his marriage, including the bridesmaid at his wedding and mother in-law while his wife was in labor. Peter looked displeased and handed him the keys to broken down rusty fiesta and let the man proceed.

A third man then approached the gates, telling Peter of his immaculate past and devotion as a good father and husband. Delighted with this, Peter handed him the keys to a brand new mercedes and bid the man farewell.


One week later the disgruntled second man was driving along in his fiesta when he noticed the third man nearby, red faced and visibly upset.
"Whats wrong? Here you are in heaven driving around in a luxury car and that's still not enough for you? What the hell is the matter with you?!", he asked
Eventually the red faced man regained his composure,
"I just saw my wife travelling around on a skateboard"

[Forrest]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th drunk driving conviction.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?
Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was soon surrounded by police officers, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation
.Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too

[Forrest]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[Forrest]

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles (o, o) and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" the judge said to the second boy.
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar approach. I also used two circles (o, o). I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is your arsehole before prison...

[ChiefHandker]

You just can't beat ol toilet humour - One for the guys



We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the hereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

[Forrest]

A young man decided to join the police force.
As a recruit he was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered, "Call for backup."


A man was brought before the judge and charged with necrophilia.
The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing.
Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!"
The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons;
1, It's none of your damn business;
2, She was my wife;
and.....
3, I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!"

[Forrest]

The SAS, the Infantry and the police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out top.
After some basic exercises the Instructor tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back with a rabbit for tea.
First up are the SAS. They don their infra-red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation.
Absolute silence occurs for 5 mins, followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead. "Excellent work" says the Instructor.
Next up are the Infantry. They finish their cans of lager, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their voices. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy but you got a result, well done" says the Instructor.
Lastly in go the Police, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours the silence is only broken by the occasional cackle of a walkie-talkie: 'sierra oscar lima one, suspect headed straight for you' etc. After what seems like an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in hand cuffs. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous Instructor. "Take the squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you to 5 hours ago!!!"
So back they go. Minutes pass, these minutes turn to hours and day turns to night.
The next morning the Trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the Police, holding the squirrel that is now covered in bruises. "Are you taking the piss?" asks the seriously irate Instructor.
The Police team Leader then shoots a glance at the squirrel who squeaks, "Alright, alright I am a fucking rabbit!"