Joke of the day

[sperminater]

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

[Forrest]

[TheBestPoster]

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" said the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, the teacher said, "If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally, someone threw an eraser at Pedro and another student shouted, "Duck"!

The teacher, just waking up and still a bit out of it, asked "Who said that?

Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"

[Forrest]

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned.

The Genie says,"Hello Master,I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it.
He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila. Then smells the liquid...smells like tequila.
So he takes a taste, and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it.
He tells her to drink it. It is tequila. Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.
It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard.
He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the couple drinks
until the sun comes up.

Finally, Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife,
"Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila."
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him,
"But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."

[Forrest]

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.
A young and stunningly attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest,
and gradually worked her way down his torso.

The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began
to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. “You wanna wank?” she asked.
“You bet!” came the excited reply. “Alright…” she said. “I’ll come back in ten minutes.”

[Forrest]

There once was a pansy from Khartoum,
who brought a lesbian up to his room,
they argued all night,
over who had the right,
to do what, with which, and to whom.


There was an old man from Harrow,
who tried to have sex with a sparrow,
the sparrow said “No,
you can’t have a go,
as the hole in my arse is too narrow.”




A lascivious monk from Dundee,
buggered a nun under a tree,
while deep in her ass,
he chanted High Mass,
and even the Pope came to see.

[Forrest]

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong....

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be is entertaining.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of loan payments.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is called a work station……


Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,
they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

[skywalker85]

When i was just a little girl,
I asked my mother
What will i be....
Will I be pretty....
Will i be rich.....

Here's what she said to me....

''Son we need 2 Talk......''

[jay67]

When i was just a little girl,
I asked my mother
What will i be....
Will I be pretty....
Will i be rich.....

Here's what she said to me....

''Son we need 2 Talk......''

is this you coming out sky??????

jay67

[Forrest]

If you think your life is bad.


How would you like to be an egg?


* You only get laid once.

* You only get eaten once.

* It takes at least 10 minutes to get hard.

* Only 3 minutes to get soft.

* You share a box with at least 5 other guys.

* But worst of all....... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.




And based on the events of the last week.......................