How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How the feck should I know??? Jepus cripes I'm a news broadcaster not a feckin' scientist! Feckin' eejits, the lot of ye! Speaking of broadcasting... Welcome to E-I News with my fat ugly self... I mean handsome, majestic self, LDM. Let's just get to the brass tax shall we? Not like ye lot ever watch the show. Without naming anyone (Morph), I'm certain a lot of you are only here for the end credits. Well ye can forget it! Tis mad times we live in and LDM is not made of money!
Now... tonight's headlines: real life Moby Dick?; Ryanair becoming Pornair?; and finally... actually that's all that I can be bothered doing tonight. Ye don't deserve me wasting anymore of my precious time when I could be over in the Soap Opera talking complete shite. Nothing new there then!
Right, first this evening: ever been so close to a whale that you nearly got eaten? Well that nearly happened to a bikini clad (thought that might get your attention) surfer in California recently. The young woman was out surfing one day (ffs this is starting to sound like a story...) when she stopped to talk to some people on a kayak. The day was bright, a gentle breeze in the air, seagulls singing and... FFS shut up LDM you muppet! Sorry folks, lost the run of meself there. Now where the hell was I? Ah yes. Well outta nowhere two giant humpback whales lunged out of the water getting some nice nom-noms on a shoal of anchovies (since when did whales eat pizza???). The distance between the people and the whales? Meer feet! LDM has seen a lot of things in his long, established career as a news presenter, but very few events come as close as this! For those of you who actually bothered reading this, you can watch this footage by pressing the red button that has a nice picture of an ejection seat next to it. Or alternatively just click on this link: Holy Moby!
Next and finally tonight, the prestigious and ostentatious Michael O'Leary has developed plans for in-flight porn for Ryanair passengers. Sounds great eh? As long as they have lesbian porn I don't care... *cough* Anyway... These plans would allow passengers to view Pay-Per-View 'blue movies' on their tablet devices or smart phones. No they won't be shown on any monitors on the plane! What are ya like thinking that?? So it boils down to money again. Well you gotta hand it to him, he is creative! Course there are several problems, parents with children and old doctors... I mean people, just to name a few. But for me, the most pressing issue is how do you have a good old wank when there's other people on the plane. Like, will there be orderly queues for the toilet with a 5 minute limitation?? 5 minutes isn't enough!!! What the hell is the point of porn if you can't give yourself a few tugs in privacy! Well it seems that it will be at least a year until this goes further. Interesting. Then there's the protesters, which will knock it back several more months... Hmm. I dunno folks! This is one that not even the almighty LDM can solve!
Well that's it for tonight's E-I News. Thank you all very much for watching. Good evening. This is LDM, signing off.
Now where did I put that vibrator... *inaudible chatter* Hmm, what? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN WE'RE STILL ON THE AIR!? WHAT THE HELL DO I PAY YOU FOR YOU STUPID --------------
*connection lost*
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Originally Posted by theqm
lol haha the ryan air passangers will have moby dicks but nowhere to let there water out haha 