Joke of the day

[saoirsemac]

jamescork and benin

enu said

[Forrest]

Why was the washing machine laughing?
Because it was taking the piss out of the underpants.

What has four wheels and flies?
A rubbish truck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

[benin]

jamescork and benin

enu said

pmsl...damn it i mean feck off!

[rimmerguy]

What did the captain of the Costa Concordia have on his iPod when he hit the rocks?

Will Young's " I think I better leave right now"



My girlfriend came and sat next to me on the sofa with a sad look on her face.

"Cheer up," I said.

"Oh I'm OK," she sighed, "just a bit sad."

"You're fab," I said.

"Thanks," she said.

"You're mine," I said.

"I know silly!" she chuckled.

"I love you," I said.

"Aww!" she gushed, "that's so lovely!"

"Marry me," I said.

She squealed with joy and stood up and started clapping like a seal: "Yes!" she bellowed. "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

I looked up at her and said, "Yes what?"

"Yes, I will marry you!" she beamed.

"Fuck off!" I said. "Here, have a Love Heart."

[rimmerguy]

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

[Dirty Harry]

dont forget to do the lotto tomorrow nite one of the extra prizes is a cruise on the mediteranean last weeks was a rollover!

[Dirty Harry]

george michael has sympathised with the captain of the stricken italian liner saying i'm often left abandoned and lying on my side with a badly damaged bottom after a nights cruising.

[Dirty Harry]

italian divers searching the stricken cruise ship have found two irish men still in the bar they have told the divers to fuck off there all inclusive.

[Dirty Harry]

i'm opening a brothel Exclusively employing jewish prostitutes and need a catchy name for it what do you think of the Gash chamber?

[Forrest]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community
could become used to the new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.
Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman.
How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there?
When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash.
That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with another woman.
She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her.
"Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it,
I noticed the preacher under the bed."