Joke of the day

[Rua]

Liz Truss has spoken today to Ukraine's president about the ongoing crisis

Zelensky promised to provide all the assistance he could

[whiteball]

"Have you tidied up?" I asked my wife earlier.
"Of course, I've fucking tided up." she snapped.
"Who else does? Certainly not you, eh? No
definitely not you. Because you do fuck all around
here. You don't do any of the cleaning, don't go near
the cooker at all. Jesus, I can't even get you to walk
the fucking dog, so yes, yes I've fucking tided up."
"Well in that case, have you seen a sheet of paper
I'd left out?" I asked. It's got some plans on it that
I'd drawn up."
"Oh, riiiight." she said, sarcastically. "Mr. D.Y fucking Y
and his clever-arse ideas. No, I haven't seen your stupid
fucking plans."
"Bloody hell." I groaned. "I was going to lay a patio?"
she lau8ghed. "Over my dead body."
"Oh, so you HAVE seen my plans?!"

[joggon]

[joggon]

[joggon]

[whiteball]

A guy in a supermarket goes up to the
cashier and places two cans of dog food
on the counter. The cashier asks, "Do you
have a dog sir?"
"Yes, it's at home," replies the man.
"To be able to sell you the dog food sir,
I must see the dog. That is store policy,"
says the cashier.
Next day the man goes to the supermarket
again, and places two cans of cat food on the
counter.
"Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier.
"Yes, I do, it's at home," says the man.
"Well, I am sorry sir, store policy I must see
the cat before I can sell you cat
food," says the cashier.
The next day the man returns to the store and
walks directly to the store and walks directly to
the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in
his hands.
"Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here."
The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag.
"It is all soft and warm," she says.
"Yes, that's right," says the man, I need to bay two
rolls of toilet paper."

[joggon]

[joggon]

[joggon]

For the royals and cork people obviously

[whiteball]

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam, "Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do."
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "Wha's a river?"
God explained that to him and then said, "Go over to the hill...."
Adam said, "What's a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam,
"On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, He said, In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So, God explained that to him too. Then God said, "I want you to
Reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under His breath), "Geez......" And then, just like
everything else God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill
into the cave and finds the woman.
Then, in five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said Angrily, what is it Now?"
And Adam said.... "What's a Headache?"