Joke of the day

[whiteball]

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop,
reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle
and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the spoon
and offers it to the chemist. ''Could you taste this for
me please?''
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth,
swells the liquid around and swallows it, it tasted
unpleasant.
''Does that taste sweet to you?'' says Paddy.
''No, not at all,'' says the chemist pulling a face.
''Oh that's a relief,'' says Paddy. ''The doctor told me
to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.''

[whiteball]

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his
drinking buddy Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his
wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as he could toward the stairs leading
to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he
caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around
and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back
pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants,
and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut
and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids
and began putting on a Band-Aid as best he could on each place
he saw blood and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head
and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She
said, ''You were drunk again last night weren't you?''
Patton said, ''Why do you say a mean thing?''
''Well,'' Kathleen said, ''it could be the open front door, it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs it could be the drops
of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes,
but mostly... it's all those Band-Aids on the hall mirror.''

[whiteball]

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date,
Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a
duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's
mother answers and invites him in. ''Peggy Sue's not ready yet,
so why don't you have a seat?'' She says. That's cool. Peggy
Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold
replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop
or to a drive in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, ''Why don't you kids go out and
screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.''
Naturally this comes as a quite a surprise to Harold and he says,
''Wha...aat?'' ''Yeah.'' says Peggy Sue's mother, ''We know Peggy
Sue really likes to screw; why, shed screws all night if we let her!''
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately,
he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle
skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the
front door while Mom is saying, ''Have a good evening kids,'' with a
small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a Thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes
back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her
mother: ''Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

[joggon]

[whiteball]

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon:
with great expression he said, ''If I had all the beer
in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.''
With even greater emphasis he said, ''And if I had
all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it
into the river.'' And then finally, he said, ''And if I
had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and
throw it into the river.'' He sat down. The song
leader then stood very cautiously and announced
with a smile, ''For our closing song, let us sing
Hymn # 365, ''Shall We Gather at the River.''

[whiteball]

Shortly after take-off an Air Lingus flight
from Dublin to Boston a few weeks ago,
an air hostess nervously announced that
the catering department made a terrible
mistake. A big mix up she said. Although
226 passengers on board they received
only 80 dinners. She apologized but said
that anybody who is kind enough to give
up their meal so somebody who is hungry
would receive free unlimited drinks for the
remainder of the flight. The next announcement
came 2 hours later when she said, ''If anybody
is hungry we still have 80 dinners available.''

[whiteball]

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear
on top of his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and
sure enough there's an ad for ''Bear removers.''
He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be
over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets
out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat and a
shotgun and a mean old Pitbull
"What are you going to do?'' the homeowner asks "I'm
going to put this ladder up against the roof and then
I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof
with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pitbull is trained to grab his
testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him
in the cage in the back of the van.''
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?'' asks the homeowner.
''If the bear knocks me off the roof... shoot the dog."

[whiteball]

A man was sitting in the bar at Heathrow and noticed
a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought
to himself. "Wow, she's gorgeous she must be an air
hostess. I wonder which airline she works for?"
Hoping to find out, he leaned towards her and uttered
the Delta Airline slogan.
"Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he thought
to himself. "Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta."
A moment later, another, another slogan popped into
his head. So he leaned towards her again and said,
"Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look, he mentally
scratched Singapore Airlines off his list.
He thought "Perhaps she works for Thai Airlines...."
and said "Smooth as Silk?"
This time, the woman turned on him and said, "What
the fuck do you want?''
The man smiled, sat back in his chair and said, "Ahhhh,
Ryanair."

[Turnerrr]

A guy and girl meet in a nightclub, end up going back to her place and become intimate.
She says : "before we begin I ought to tell you, I have acute angina"
He replies : " yeah and your tits aren't bad either".

[joggon]