Joke of the day

[UB40]

Q: What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
A: A sham rock. Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy. Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short. Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms! Q: Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold?
A: They like to "go" first class! Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter! Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A: The Halfback of Notre Dame! Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?
A: St. O'Claus! Q: What does it mean when you find a horseshoe?
A: Some poor horse is going barefoot! Q: Do leprechauns make good secretaries?
A: Sure, they're great at shorthand! Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue?
A: Short ribs! Q: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?
A: To keep from falling in the stew! Q: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
A: He took a shortcut! Q: What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?
A: A Jolly Green Giant Q: When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato?
A: When it's a FRENCH fry! Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
A: Because they're very short-tempered! Q: Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day?
A: Because they're always wearing green Q: Why do leprechauns hide behind 4-leafclovers and not 3-leafclovers?
A: They need all the luck they can get! Q: What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river?
A: He gets wet! Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish Who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day! Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn't afford plane fare. Q: Why can't you iron a four-leaf clover?
A: Because you shouldn't press your luck! Q: What type of bow cannot be tied?
A: A rainbow. Q: Why did the elephant wear green sneakers?
A: Her red ones were in the wash! Q: What do you call a diseased criminal?
A: A leper-con! Q: Where can you always find gold?
A: In the dictionary!

[Dirty Harry]

I slipped out for a fag earlier today while at work.i looked up into the clear blue sky and suddenly i saw 2 planes colide.I guess i'm not cut out to be an air traffic controller.

[Dirty Harry]

During a recent tour of the cadburys factory i had a serious accident i was trapped for ages and no one would help me.Everytime i shouted the milky bars are on me everyone cheered and applauded.

[Dirty Harry]

I knocked on my new muslim neighbours door today. Good afternoon i said i'm here to do your windows he replied i dont know you i'll do them myself what do you mean i asked as i picked up a rock from his flower bed ...

[Dirty Harry]

After my first session at the sex addiction clinic my liaison officer wants me to make a committment and come twice a week. Fuckin right i will. You should see the tits on her. ;-)

[Dirty Harry]

I found a lump on my testacles last week. Today i got them scanned.I am now banned from tesco..

[Dirty Harry]

Cavan man diary: today my horny secretary came into work crying.she told me that she had split with her boyfriend.a voice inside my head said now now is the time to take advantage of the situation.i put her on the minimum wage.....

[Dirty Harry]

Are you sure my balls are supposed to be yellow? I asked my doctor. I am sure.I potted a red off the break he replied.

[Dirty Harry]

Paddy and seamus were drinking and watching soccer in paddys house.after the match seamus got up to leave .when he opend the front door he saw it was lashing rain.paddy said sure stay here tonight. The weather is too bad.i'll make up the spare bed for ya.off he went to make the bed and when he came back downstairs there was seamus standing at the door soaked to the skin.what the fuck happend you? Asked paddy.seamus replied i went home to get my pyjamas.

[Big J]

Johnny went up to the priest in the rectory,he said Father im getting married and i dont know what to do on the night of the honeymoon,im still a virgin.he said come out to the back garden and said,do you see the hole in the tree down there,well go down and stick your weapon into it.Johnny went down and put it in and about 1000 bees stung it.Mary on the wedding night was lying on the bed naked and she says,come on johnny get in.Johnny then said one minute and went to pick up the brush.Mary said johnny what do you want that for,johnny replied im gonna make sure theres no fucking bees in this one.