Mousey's Horoscopes

[Mousey]

Give all the anti-climactic commotion lately about the possible reorganisation of the Zodiac because of the Moon's gravitational field (you did hear about that, right?), I have tonight gazed into the heavens and astrologically cast some horoscopes. Yes, I am a man of many, many talents.

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MOUSEY'S HORRORSCOPES

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are fucking stupid. Sarah Palin is an Aquarius. Yeah.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come in contact with. Your life serves as a warning to others.

Aries (Mar 23 - Apr 22) You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have only minor influence on your friends and people resent you for being a sad bastard. You lack confidence and inspire pity.

Taurus (Apr 23 - May 22) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a fucking communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are probably bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always procrastinating or skiving. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a crap. You can only afford to punt once a decade. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an asshole. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and annot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving cunt bastards. Alec Horan is a Leo.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably a gay. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are slappers. All Libras die of venereal disease. Good riddance.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) You are the worst of the lot, you unbelievable cunt. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. And not the fun-to-have-around drunks, the other kind.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should not be in charge of any living thing.

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