Married Bliss

[emmasweet]

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

[emmasweet]

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

[emmasweet]

A woman tells her doctor, "My husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor asks her, "I'm not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?"
She replies, "Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his fingers."

[emmasweet]

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"

The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"

The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

[emmasweet]

Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners.
So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed.
Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted,
"Poached? I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg.
Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"
Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs,
one scrambled and one poached."Here, my love, enjoy!"
Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."

[Forrest]

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother.
"Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honour, and
respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagne."


A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this ear-splitting yell."
"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

[Forrest]

Tyrone asked his work buddy Robert one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?"
Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work."
Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.
"That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it!
It goes like this: Blonde hair, blonde hair, eyes so blue, I love waking up and making love to you!"
Tyrone was all like, "Man, you white guys is so dang sentimental an' shit...."
But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try, so he spent the rest of the day thinking up a poem for his wife.
The next day Tyrone showed up to work just all beat to hell; bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works.
Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!" Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice, that's all.
I just told her a poem...."
"Well, what poem did you tell her?" Robert asked.
Tyrone told him: "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, if I could roll your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog!"

[emmasweet]

A man and his wife enter a dentist's office.
The wife says "I need a tooth pulled. No gas or Novocain -- I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," says the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

[Forrest]

[emmasweet]

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"