Joke of the day

[thefonz]

very good forrest.

[Dirty Harry]

a womans fanny is like a shed roof, if you don't nail it hard enough it will end up next door

[Forrest]

This guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos. When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite.
The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three-room suite. The room is on a corner of the hotel and two walls are nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. There's a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen TV The guy drops his bag on money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city. He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high-priced call girls in the city.
Thirty minutes later there's a knock on the door. The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself.
"Now, down to business," he says, "how much for a hand job?" The hooker says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00""What, that's outrageous. "Come over here," She says walking towards one of the windows," see that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good.
"All right, screw it, money is no object." A half hour after she's done the guy is sitting on the couch revelling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself.
"That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job? Honey, a blow job is $5000.00" "What, that's outrageous." "Come over here," She says walking towards another one of the window, "see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good. "All right, screw it, money is no object." The guy gives her $5000.00.
An hour after she's done, the guy is laying on the couch, head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks, gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself. "My god, that was the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta know, How much for some pussy?"
The hooker looks at him and says, "Honey, if I had a pussy I would own this whole city."

[Forrest]

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only £20."

"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch flowery".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at The woman. "F===! .... me, a new brothel and a new madam"..

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel," scolds the woman trying not to laugh.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un-f===king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes," complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave, comes home.

"In-f==king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"

Silence......!!!

[emmasweet]

One day a man walked through the woods. At one point meets a bear.

The man put his knees and says:

- Dear God, please give this bear Christian thoughts!

PUUUFFFF and desire is fulfilled

Place the bear in knee

- God Bless this meal

[emmasweet]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

[max california]

I went to se the doctor today after I hur my penis in a surfing accident.
"Did you fall on the board?" he said.
"No, I slammed the laptop shut" I said.

[philipkntz]

I was thrown out of a brothel last night for using counterfeit notes. I just don't feel right paying real money for fake boobs.

[philipkntz]

Plenty on that shelf

[joggon]