Joke of the day

[imnotscotish]

Girls getaway weekend





Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip - shopping, casinos, massages, facials etc.



Two days before they are leaving, Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going.



Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.



Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.





"Wow, how long have you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you come?"



"Well, I've been here since last night.......yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who?"



I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit! He took my hand and lead me into the bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles burning and rose petals scattered..........on the bed he had handcuffs and ropes. He told me tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want"



So here I am.......

[imnotscotish]

My Wife has Left Me for a Dwarf which has Broken My Heart to Think She Would Stoop So Low.

japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

Abdul the indian wife beater punches his wife every night at 7:30... On the dot

Why is it when my missus was pregnant, all her mates

rubbed her tummy and said congratulations to her;

But none of them rubbed my cock and balls and said well done?!

[imnotscotish]

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get
me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been
living off a dead beatle for the last thirty years.

What is nasal sex?
Fuck nose.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful
bleeders, all I said was, 'hurry up for fucks sake, some of us have got
homes to go to!'

Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big
fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting
your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's
voice from the kitchen, 'what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or
lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can.
Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can.
Not every vegetable can read, but bless, look at you having a little go!

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small
white patch, so I've named him Birmingham .

In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and
says, 'Curry Ok?'
I said, 'go on then, just one song then bugger off'

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn
cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom
machine. They asked him what happened and he said, 'the sign says, insert £2 and push knob in'.

[mature abby]

phone rings...woman answers...perv breathes.have you got a tight bald c**t? women replies..yes.hes on the couch who shall i say is calling??

[imnotscotish]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it....I thought to myself, those silly sods have lost the plot!!

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Bugger this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.1415927 dead

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke crouching behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a sh*t."

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a set of bathroom scales.


Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if i'd like to wind it....I thought that was a bit harsh so i gave it a dead leg instead.

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried. "What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said. "What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

[imnotscotish]

What do you call a dolphin with a five foot cock???

Flopper



theres a load of sperm getting ready for the big race towards the egg,they don't
know when its going to happen but they are getting prepared for the big day. then the day comes and theres
this one sperm who's been doing extra training he desperately wants to win! then the big day comes all the sperm are on the starting line waiting to go, then all
of a sudden BANGthere off this one sperm is flying past all the rest shooting to the front,
then all of a sudden he stops, turns round and starts to swim as fast as he can in the other direction,
the other sperm don't know what he's doing untill he starts to shout ITS A WANK, ITS A WANK....

[Amy Alison]

Various level of cold


+ 20 ° C: The Greeks look for their sweaters (if they have any left).

+ 15 ° C: Radiators in Hawaii are switched on (if they have any left).

+ 10 ° C: The Americans start to shake. Russians start cultivating corn.

+ 5 ° C: You can see your own breath. Italian cars no longer start. Norwegians take a bath. Russians are driving with the windows wide open.

0 ° C: Water freezes in America. In Russia it only slightly strengthens.

-5 ° C: French cars no longer start.

-10 ° C: You start planning a holiday in Australia.

-15 ° C: The cat insists to sleep in your bed. Norwegians look for their sweaters.

-18 ° C: The City Hall in New York switches on the radiators. Russians enjoy the last picnic of the season.

-20 ° C: American cars no longer start. Those from Alaska begin to wear long sleeves.

-25 ° C: German cars no longer start. Those in Hawaii are dead.

-30 ° C: Politicians start to discuss the situation of homeless people. The cat prefers to sleep in your pijama.

-35 ° C: Way too cold to think. Japanese cars no longer start

-40 ° C: You start making plans how to take a hot bath for two weeks. Swedish cars no longer start.

-42 ° C: All traffic is stopped in Europe. Russians eat ice cream in the streets.

-45 ° C: All Greeks are dead. Politicians are finally starting to do something for the homeless people.

-50 ° C: Eye lashes are sticking together. In Alaska, people close their bathroom windows.

-60 ° C: Polar bears begin to migrate South.

-70 ° C: Hell freezes over

-73 ° C: Finnish Special Services discharges Santa Claus of Lapland.
-80 ° C: Lawyers start putting their hands in their own pockets.

-114 C: Ethyl alcohol freezes. The Russians are not happy with it.

-273 ° C: Absolute Zero, atoms movement stops. Russians start wearing boots.

-295 ° C: 90% of the planet is dead. Russia's football team became world champion.

[sexy lady]

Barbie joke


A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is
that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.

The assistant replies, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for
$25.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $25.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $25.95,
Barbie Goes to the Beach for $25.95, and Divorced Barbie for $495.00"

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?

"That's obvious," the assistant says, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's
house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

[Dirty Harry]

my wife said to me erlier that she wanted us to sit down and talk about my fixation with shit. I replied of course pull up a stool!

[Dirty Harry]

as a kid i wanted to be a gingerbread man but as i grew older i realised i wasen't cut out for it.