Joke of the day

[Forrest]

Are you a Man or a Woman?
To find out the answer, look down...

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I said look down, not scroll down, ya eejit!!!!!!!

[Fred Basset]

Reminded me of an old joke.
Can't remember if it was here or elsewhere, but here it goes:-




George Buys A Motorbike, And Is Told By The Previous Owner:

"listen, I Know This May Sound Strange But If You Cover The Bike In Vaseline Before It Rains, It Won't Rust."
"really?" Asks George.
the Previous Owner Tells Him "i Know, It Sounds Like A Joke But Try It And You'll See."

sure Enough, After A Year, Having Continually Covered The Bike In Vaseline, It Hasn't Rusted And It's As Good As New. His Girlfriend Calls And Tells Him They're Having Dinner At Her Parents' House, So George Decides To Go By Bike. Just Before They Enter The Parents' House She Tells George:

"remember, The Rule In Here Is The First To Talk After Everyone Finishes Their Dinner Has To Wash All The Dishes."
"eh.....yeah O.k." Says George

once Everyone Has Finished, George Checks Out The Table:

"jesus, Look At All Those Plates And Bowls, There's No Doubt A Shit Load Of Pots In The Kitchen Too!" He Tells Himself.

he Then Has An Idea:

"i Know..." He Thinks, "...i'll Try And Get Them To Say Something"

so He Leans Over And Starts Kissing His Girlfriend, But Her Parents Just Stare Back, In Silence. So George Starts To Unbutton Her Shirt And Starts Kissing Down Her Neck. Yet Still, Her Parents Remain Silent.

so George Thinks: "i Don't Care Anymore", And Grabs His Girlfriend And Starts Fucking Her On The Table. But The Parents Are Still Silent! George Goes: "fuck It", And Grabs The Mother And Fucks Her As Well. But Still, Nobody Says A Word!

george Is Thinking:

"what The Fuck Is Up With These People!?".

but Then He Looks Out The Window, And Notices Its Starting To Rain, And Thinks:

"shit!! The Bike Will Rust"

so He Grabs The Tub Of Vaseline From His Pocket And All Of A Sudden The Dad Jumps Up And Shouts:

"right, Right!! I'll Do The Fuckin' Dishes!!!"

[Forrest]

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed
into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off of his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a huge hole
and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old
farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer told him he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer,
"Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

[Fred Basset]

There were three men who died and before God would let them into heaven, God gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.

The first guy said, "I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter."

So God made him 100 times smarter.

The second guy said, "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter."

So God made him 1000 times smarter.

The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said, "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter."

So God made him a woman.

[Fred Basset]

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, that read:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

[Forrest]

What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?
One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.


What do you call a woman who can suck an orange through a hose pipe?
Darling!


What do women and cow pats have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

[Forrest]

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she
looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I fucked her up the arse, pulled out, and came all over
her face and hair.




I guess we don’t watch the same movies.

[mature abby]

paddy goes to the doctors and knocks him clean out!!
doc wakes up and says to paddy wot the fck was that for!!
paddy says that's for telling my wife she has a nice fanny!!
doc says I never told her she had a nice fanny I told her she had acute angina!!
lmao

[Forrest]

A man staying at a hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a nearby phonebox.
Back at the hotel he rings the number and a lady with a silky soft voice asks if she can be of assistance.
The guy says he wants a blow job + regular + doggie + some bondage and finishing with a pearl necklace,
then asks her "what do you think?"
The lady says 'That sounds really good and I'd like to oblige but if you press 9 first you'll get an outside line.'

[Forrest]

First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these,
I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics.
Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.
I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis,
rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don't know how I pulled through it.








It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.