Joke of the day

[samlad]

After all the talk about caves, bin Laden was hiding in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan.

[Forrest]

Facial expressions are an important part of the respected Mayo Clinic psychometric test.
In the following pictures, you will see women with a range of facial expressions.
Study the expressions, and try to imagine what single act each is experiencing.
Then scroll down to see the answer.











They are all about to sneeze!

[anon361]

2 guys arrive at the pearly gates and St Peter says it's a long way to heaven, depending how good you were when you were alive will decide what type of transportation you get, first guy says, I was always faithful to my wife and loved her till the day she died, St Peter says good man and gives him the keys to a Ferrari and off he goes, second guy says, well I was no angel, I was unfaithful a few times but I did love her till the end, Ok says St Peter, you get a scooter and off he goes. A few miles down the road he finds the first guy pulled in crying, he stops to see whats up, did you break down?, no he says, I just met my wife on rollerblades..

[Jackdaniel]

DIVORCE versus MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

"I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "I can't give you cyanide to
kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll
throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely
not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a
prescription."

[Forrest]

Two cab drivers met.
"Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

Not sure what's worse for Osama Bin Laden, the fact he got found and killed,
or that he now has to explain to a bunch of suicide bombers where their virgins are.


Barrack Obama - The first black man that has ever had to convince the world he did do the killing!!!

[Forrest]

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital.
However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an
empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

[Forrest]

"What the fuck was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
- Captain of the Titanic

"That's not a real fucking gun."
- John Lennon

"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
- Richard Nixon

"Heads are going to fucking roll."
- Anne Boleyn

"Let the fucking woman drive."
- Commander of Space Shuttle

"What fucking map?"
- "Challenger," Mark Thatcher

"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
- Albert Einstein

"It does so fucking look like her!"
- Picasso

"How the fuck did you work that out?"
- Pythagoras

"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"
- Michaelangelo

"Fuck a duck."
- Walt Disney

"Why?- Because its fucking there!"
- Edmund Hilary

"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?"
- Joan of Arc

"Scattered fucking showers my ass."
- Noah

"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
- John F. Kennedy

[Forrest]

The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep

[Forrest]

A report just in that US Secret Service have shot a man at Malahide Dart Station.

Apparently, he was overheard saying he was going to Kilbarrack.

[Forrest]

A cowboy was walking in the woods one day and he comes to a clearing.
There on a blanket was a naked Indian with a hard on.
"What are you doing ?" the cowboy asks.
The Indian answers, "Me tell time."
"OK. If you are so good, what time is it ?"
The Indian looks down at his prick and the shadow it made and said, "It 2 o’clock."
The cowboy looks at his watch and says, "By Golly, you are right !"
The cowboy starts walking again and comes upon another naked Indian laying on a blanket.
"Don’t tell me..............You’re telling time too ?"
The Indian looks up at him and says, "Yes, me telling time."
"Okay smartass, what time is it ?"
The Indian looks up at the sun and down and says, "It 4 o’clock."
The cowboy is amazed at the Indian. He keeps walking and hours later
he comes upon an Indian on a blanket, wanking. "Don’t tell me you’re telling time!!!!"
The Indian looks up at him and says, "No, me winding watch !"