Joke of the day

[Dirty Harry]

a red ship and a blue ship collided the survivors were marooned!

[Forrest]

A priest is sitting inside the church, when a bloke comes in and asks to be confessed.
"Very well, my child," says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, "Tell me about your sins."
"Well, Father," says the bloke, "On Monday, I was at my girlfriend's house, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned, Father."
"Don't worry, child," says the priest, "It's perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, so just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins."
"But Father," continues the man, "It doesn't end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned again, Father."
"Oh, child," says the Father, "You must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins."
"But Father," says the bloke again, "On Wednesday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, and she wasn't there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... Again I sinned, Father."
"Good Lord," says the priest, "Child, you must think about what you do, so pray-"
"But Father," says the bloke, "On Thursday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was the maid, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned yet again, Father."
The priest falls silent.
"And then," continues the bloke, "On Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her aunt, and , well... the two of us alone, the house empty..."
The priest still did not answer.
"And on Saturday," said the bloke, "I went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her grandmother, and, well..."
The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth - only to find the priest up on the belfry.
"Father," he calls, "What are you doing up there? I haven't finished!"
"Like fuck I'm coming down," says the priest, "The two of us alone, the church empty..."

[Forrest]

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Fuck that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"


I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that
I had the biggest prick she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg".


A man was golfing with a friend and went to the restroom.
When he came out he sighed audibly and his friend said to him, "Feel better?"
"Yeah," he said, "It's the only place on the whole course where nobody
tells me how to improve my stance or change my grip!"

[Dirty Harry]

they say sidewalk we say footpath they say pants we say trousers they say buried at sea we say naked and chained to a car battery connected to his balls whilst being beaten for answers.

[Dirty Harry]

Irony in a million years osama bin laden will be oil.

[Dirty Harry]

Elton john has just written a song for osama bin laden sandals in the bin.

[Big-Paul]

[Big-Paul]

[Doozer]

After all the talk about caves, bin Laden was hiding in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan.

[Doozer]

Bin Laden is dead , now the biggest treath to Americans is the Big Mac with cheese