Joke of the day

[samlad]

Alanis Morrisette walks into a bar. The barman says 'why the long face?'

That was so bad, I actually laughed! LOL!

[Forrest]

Alanis Morrisette walks into a bar. The barman says 'why the long face?'

Just kidding. It's not as bad as some of mine.

[Big-Paul]

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her.
He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said,
"That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"

His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my a*s."

[Big-Paul]

An elderly couple were sitting in the old folks home when the bloke turns to the woman next to him and says, "How about a bit of nookie?" The woman agrees and they go along to his room.

After the act is done the guy turns to the woman and says, "If I had known you were still a virgin I would have asked you to have s*x sooner."

The woman replies, "And if I had known that you could get such a big erection I would have taken my tights off."

[Big-Paul]

The newly wed wife wakes up her husband and says,"Breakfast is ready. You need to eat something before going outdoors to work on the barn."

He says, "All I want to eat is you." And he does.

She throws away his breakfast.

He come in at noontime and she says, "I fixed you a nice lunch to eat, since you didn't have breakfast."

He says, "All I want to eat is you." And he does.

She throws away his lunch.

When he comes in late in the evening he finds his wife is naked and sliding down the bannister, running back up the stairs, and sliding down again. In total bewilderment he ask what she is doing.

She says, "For breakfast you ate me. For lunch you ate me. I'm just warming up your dinner."

[Toolbox]

A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan ..


Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.






'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'


Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.


Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,'Manicures, $20.00'.
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.


The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'


The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.


With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit........ which now had a button sewn neatly on the end..

[Forrest]

Women are having sex with their husbands/boyfriends because they can't afford batteries.

Jury Duty is now considered a good-paying job.

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

My ATM gave me an IOU!

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

[Forrest]

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with the purchase was a bank.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds,"
you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned the names of their children.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street ."

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

[Forrest]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of
them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,"So you're a
man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be
a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it
back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on,
and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

[Forrest]

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat slob"

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other,
"Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking
battery acid,the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library
and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in".

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser
legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."