Joke of the day

[WeeJimmy]

Again I was told this by couple of scallywags on Wednesday when I told them I would be Visiting Ireland again soon

What do you call an intelligent man in Ireland?

A tourist

[Forceuser]

[whiteball]

A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his
father were in a mail.
They were amazed by almost everything
they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then
slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator)
responded, "Son, I have never seen anything
like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with
amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved
up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened, and the lady rolled between them
into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy
and his father watched the small numbers above
the walls light up sequentially. They continued to
watch until it reached the last number, and the
numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous
24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,
said quietly to his son...
"Go get your Mother."

[Forceuser]

[whiteball]

A little five year old girl was usually
driven to school in the mornings by
her Grandad, but one day he had a
bad cold so her Grandmother took her.
That night the little girl told her parents
that the ride to school with Granny was
very different.
What made it different! asked her parents.
Well, she replied, Gran and I didn't see a
single tosser, blind bastard, foreign prick
or wanker on the whole journey.

[whiteball]

3 Irishmen in a bar.
Paddy says, "My local is better than this,
you buy 2 drinks and the 3rd's free."
Mick says, "Well in my local you buy 1 drink
you get 2nd free."
Murphy says, "That's noting, in my local you
the 1st drink, then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th
and 7th are free then you go out the back and
get a shag."
"Wow," says the other two, "Has that actually
happened to you?"
"No," says Murphy, "But it happened to my sister."

[whiteball]

The Trouser Sake is the worlds most
dangerous snake.
Colour varies from pink to black.
It's fangless, average length 5-6 inches,
although some are said to reach 8-9
inches depending on honesty of its owner.
It appears usually in bedrooms attacking
women in the month or lower abdominal area.
It's venomous spit can cause swelling lasting
9 months!

[whiteball]

I was sitting on a bus behind a mother
and her young son.
Her boy kept looking around and pulling
funny faces at me.
After a few minutes, I got tired of his antics...
So I said, "When I was young, my mother
told me that if I made a ugly face and the
wind changed, I'd stay that way."
The little shit replied, "Well, you can't say
you weren't warned."

[whiteball]

..........

[whiteball]

Two Irishmen were working in the public
works department. One would dig a hole
and the other would follow behind him and
fill the hole in.
After a while one amazed onlooker said,
"Why do you dig a hole, only to have your
partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed,
"Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because
we're normally a three-person team. But
today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."