Joke of the day

[Forrest]

Jesus, Peter & John are up in heaven looking down at earth on
their day off and they decide that they would like to visit Kings
Cross to see what all the fuss is about. When they get there
they ask someone where the nearest brothel is.
They find the brothel and go in. After negotiation with the
madam they arrange to meet back up 1 hour later.
An hour later and John sees Peter. "Oh man that was just unbelievable.
I have just had the most wonderful experience of my life".
"So have I", says Peter. As he was about to carry on they see Jesus
moping along the corridor. "What's the matter boss?", they ask.
"Well", says JC " I undid her dress and it fell to the floor,
then I undid her bra and her pert little breasts stood out and
then I pulled off her pants and she had the most beautiful little
beaver that had been shaved to the shape of a heart. I then lowered
my hand to touch her down below and, bugger me, it fuc*in' healed up"

[dr love]

At end of tax year an inspector was sent to audit the books of a synagogue. He turned to rabbi and said i notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the drippings... Good question said rabbi. We send them back to the candle makers and they send up a free box. Oh replied the auditor. What about all the biscuit purchases. What do you do with the crumbs. Ah yes replied the rabbi realising the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. We send them back and every now and again they send us a free box of holy biscuits. I see said the auditor thinking hard about how he could fluster the know it all rabbi. Well he said what do you do with the left over foreskin from the circumcisions you perform. Here we do not waste answered the rabbi. We send them to the tax office and once a year they send us a complete prick

[Forrest]

A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc".
"Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day".
"Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes
me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so
we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work".
"Oh I see", said the doc.
"No, hang on", said the man,"...you see, when I get on the train
to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to
ourselves and have sex all the way there".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack.
"No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary
really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack.
"No no no", he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady
I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie".
"Now I understand", said the patient doctor.
"No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the
afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to
have me or she says she'll give me the sack".
Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..".
"No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased
to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards".
"What's your problem?". asked the doc. "Well...", said the guy, "it hurts when I wank!!!"

[Forrest]

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing,
when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong.
Through his tears the old man answers,
"I’m in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What’s wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers,
"You don’t understand. Every morning before she
goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she
comes home and we make love again, and then
she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when
she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me
oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then
at suppertime, and all night long, we make love."
He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him.
"I don’t understand. It sounds like you have
the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears,
"I forgot where I live."

[rimmerguy]

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

[lexlutter]

Whats the difference between a banker and terrorist?Terrorists fuck up the world for free

[monster_monster]

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
"You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, "if I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"

[emmasweet]

A driver were driving 150 km / hour. Warning beacon sees a police car in the mirror and accelerating. After a while, sees that he can not escape the cop and pull over. The policeman says:
- I had a terrible day and I want to get home. But I liked the track. So tell me a good excuse and let you go.
- Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer says the driver. When I saw the back, I thought you wanted me to bring her back.

[emmasweet]

A hunter was hospitalized today with serious injuries around 4:00 p.m.. Doctors have removed some no more than 47 chips in the penis. Nobody knows how it came to this situation, all we know is he was found under the tree.

[Forrest]

An Englishman ,a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society.
All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest
and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing
my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started :Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English
bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before
also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.
"Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech
by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started
his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my
speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."