Joke of the day

[emmasweet]

[emmasweet]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

[tom sand]

love that one emmathanks

[nonpareil]

Blue balls of another sort.

[emmasweet]

Daddy, what are those two spiders doing," she asked?
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top," she asked?
"A Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs," the little girl asked?
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied,
"No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well," she said, "that may be ok in California, but we're not having any of that crap here in Texas."

[emmasweet]

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher.
She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.

"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.

"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.

"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

[nonpareil]

Reminds me of a Tommy Tiernan joke.

[nonpareil]

http://youtu.be/kgZ_zGU1Pso

[emmasweet]

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... "


A young couple took their two-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, mom," he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father"

[emmasweet]