Joke of the day

[NewMoon]

Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One of them says to the other, “Hey, whaddya say we go in there & get shit-faced? “

[Dirty Harry]

Why are hurricanes named after women.at first there wet and wild then they take your house and car.

[Sexy Fernanda]

A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives.
The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. So the husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean." The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So off they went to the bedroom.

That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?" "Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook." Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again.

That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister. After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?" "Warming up your supper!" she replies.

[Big J]

A guard stops a car on the motorway,a Jewish man was driving.The guard says why you were driving that fast.The man answered,i'm on my way to a wake and i'm late.The guard says why what happens at the wake.The man says we cut off the corpses penis and balls and nail them to the celing.The women then walk around it and give it a pull,and when its 6ft 2ins we send it down to templemore and make a guard out of it.

[royaler]

Ya'll never beat the Irish !!!


Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying
dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day to yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and
would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good
father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . . . .

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

[royaler]

Book Report - Priceless

Students at a local school were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton…………………………………………..

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.


Titanic: cost - $29.99
Clinton: cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill..

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

[UB40]

A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.
"Actually, yes, I do."
"Does it hurt you?" he asked.
"No. I rather like it."
"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified.
"What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?"

[Mousey]

It is estimated that by 2025 you will never be more than six feet away from an ex-Chelsea manager.

[Dirty Harry]

I told the wife i was sick and tired of her constant nagging.i told her i was leaving her and going somewhere quieter And where is that then? She asked...I said Isarel.!!!

[UB40]

I told the wife i was sick and tired of her constant nagging.i told her i was leaving her and going somewhere quieter And where is that then? She asked...I said Isarel.!!!

Surely you mean Syria