Joke of the day

[royaler]

Pay up!

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery...


He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a
clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.


"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."


The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."


LOVE IT!

[longtipp]

My wife left a note on the fridge
"This isn't working, I can't take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my Mother"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........What the hell is she talking about?

[Forrest]

"You know who really gives kids a bad name?................. Posh and Becks"


"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together...................... Riveting."

[Dirty Harry]

I brought a girl home from the disco last night. We started kissing on the sofa.as she unzipped my jeans i said stand back! She said ooh big is it? Am i in for a night of pleasure? No i said im about to cum!!!

[samlad]

Paddy and Murphy were discussing their sex lives after both being married for many years.

"Although we've been married 40 years", says Paddy, "the wife and I are at it like rabbits every night!"

"Well," starts Murphy, "I've been married 37 years and that flame died down a long time ago. In fact, when we do have sex once in a blue moon, I call it Bruce Lee Night."

"Bruce Lee Night?" enquires Paddy.

"Aye!" say Murphy, "Tis the night I Enter the Dragon!"

[samlad]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about ' Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat.

[sharkskin]

I read that the wind sensor on the Mars Rover is not working.

That is a real shame. I always wanted to know if Martians farted.

[Dirty Harry]

Two irishmen were watching a rottweiler licking its balls. Paddy says; i wish i could do that murphy says; i'd stroke him first he looks a vicious bastard!

[gentelmandave]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.”
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!”
Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.”

He went into the pub where h
e immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!”
Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!”
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!”
Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.

[emmasweet]

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."