Joke of the day

[royaler]

Jungle elocution lesson.

　
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both..
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

[royaler]

Main reason to buy an Audi

A German guy approaches one of the ladies of the night.
'I vish to buy zex vit shoo.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 50 an hour.'
'..Ist gutte, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky, ja?'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do a little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four
large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your Hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs
as he had said, to her hands and knees..
'Now you vill get on your Hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and after all, the guy
is paying.)
She finds the s€x is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room
by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
Her climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and
it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'Wow!!! That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'

'Ah,' says the German . . .'zat is ze....

"Four-sprung Duck technique"

[Nyna]

friend 1: if i drink too much alcohol this means i am alcoholic ...
friend2 : if i drink too much fanta this means i am fantastic???

[royaler]

THE OLDER WOMAN

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked, thinking maybe a beer and whisky mix.
'A mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said 'No' - excitedly. '...never had one of those.'
We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
So we went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:........................... 'Mum, you still awake?

[UB40]

This is the Northsiders revenge on jokes about them.

How does a southsidw women tell her husband that she just had an orgasm?




She rings him from Cookock!

[max california]

My wife and I decided to make a sex tape.
She was pretty pissed when I.started holding auditions for her part though!

[royaler]

Retirement

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target, Wal-mart, and Sam's. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse and touch ... everything. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Whyte,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called..

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme..

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

[royaler]

The Curtain Rods
　
**On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music,
and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
spring-water.

When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few
half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain
rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband moved into the house with his new girlfriend,
and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set
off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days,
and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to
move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they
couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their
calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a
huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her
the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she
missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce
settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a
price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but only if
she would sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed
paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the
moving company pack everything to take to their new home ....
and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU? *****

[royaler]

two old men

two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.' the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, 'you know, i think my girl was dead!' 'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?' 'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.' his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.'
'a witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?'
'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... Took my teeth with her!'

[ladytron]

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman; they started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.

The next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He put on his clothes, grabbed his bucket of snails, and ran out the door. He ran all the way to his apartment and went up the stairs. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"