Joke of the day

[royaler]

Five tips for a woman....

> 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a
> job.
>
> 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
>
> 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to
> you.
>
> 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
>
> 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

[royaler]

Daddy's car in the woods

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home andstarted to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'
Mummy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story
Before you interrupt!

[royaler]

Humor: Husband banned from Target
>
> >After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
>
> >Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Target.

> >Dear Mrs. Samsel,
>
> >Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

>
> >1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
>
> >2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
>
> >3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
>
> >4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
>
> >5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
>
> >6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
>
> >7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
>
> >8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
>
> >9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
>
> >10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
>
> >11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
>
> >12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
>
> >13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
>
> >14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
>
> >And last, but not least:
>
> >15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

[Dirty Harry]

couple sat in lounge hubby flicking tv channels golf porn golf porn porn golf wife says leave it on porn you know how to play golf

[Dirty Harry]

what has six legs and two arms? A norwegian polar bear!

[skywalker85]

Young Paddy died and went to hell....
There he was greeted by the devil who showed him 3 doors.
''Pick 1 of these doors you wish to spend all eternityfor'' said the devil.
Paddy looked behind door number1 and seen boiling water dripping
from the ceiling. Paddy then looked behind door number2 and seen hot coal
on the floor. Finally he looked behind door number3 and seen an old man getting
a blowjob of a naked hot blonde girl....
''Door3'' said Paddy. The Devil then told the blonde girl,'' you can go now,
Paddy will be taking over''.





A Blonde gets a job as a teacher. she notices a boy
on the field stood by himself while the other kids
are running around having fun.

She takes apity on him
& decides to speak to him.

''You Ok?'' she says
''Yes'' he says

'' U can play with the other kids
you know''.

''Its best if i stay here'' he says.

''Why?'' says the blonde.

The boy says
''Cause I'm the the fucking goalie.''

[AbsoluteNoob]

What did the leper say to the Escort? "You can keep the tip"

:P

[Dirty Harry]

just because i cant spell armageddon it dosen't mean its the end of the world

[Dirty Harry]

carpet land looted last night police say there will be rug dealers on every street corner tonight

[MrNiceGuy2010]

What's the difference between your bonus and your dick?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your bonus