Joke of the day

[Forrest]

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!"
Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?"

Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful."
Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

[royaler]

The Irish mother in law

An Irish mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened! What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down Paddy... Calm down," says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation... she never got your E-mail!"J

[royaler]

Two guys discussing the Oscar Pretorius case:

No. 1: He should have blackened Reeva up with shoe-polish to support his intruder case.


No. 2: That's an extremely insensitive thing to say !!


No. 1: Yeah, I suppose you're right :-(

No. 2: I mean really, why would he have a tin of shoe polish !!

[Forrest]

The Priest of a small village was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel.
He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing.
The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a cock? To which all the men stood up.
"No,no," he said, somewhat flustered, "that's not what I meant. "Has anybody SEEN a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said. "Thats not what I meant either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them."
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," He said, now thoroughly embarrassed "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen MY cock?"
All the choirboys stood up.

[Dirty Harry]

A guy goes into a school and demands to see the headmaster.the headmaster appears and the man says I found a file on my sons pc named homework and when i opend it there were pics of naked men sucking each other off..what kind of school do you run here?

[The Equalizer]

A man was pushing a pram with a screaming baby along the footpath. All the while the man kept repeating "Keep calm Henry", "It'll be o.k Henry" and so on.
A woman noticed this, and said to the man "you're really doing your best to keep your son calm"
The man looked stonily at her and replied "I'm Henry"

[UB40]

A prosperous and somewhat amorous businessman propositioned a beautiful chorus girl of well-proportioned figure to spend the night with him for €500.

When he was ready to leave the next morning, certain things having transpired, he told her he didn't have that much money with him, but would have his secretary mail her a check for it, made out with a memo of RENT FOR APARTMENT, to avoid any embarrassment.

On the way to the office, however, after thinking the matter over carefully, he decided the night hadn't been worth what he’d agreed to pay. As a result, he had his secretary send a check for €250 instead, and enclosed the following explanatory note:

Dear Madam:

"Enclosed is a cheque for the amount of €250 for rent on your apartment. I am sending this amount instead of the amount originally agreed upon, because when I rented this apartment, I was under the impression that...

1. It had never been occupied
2. There was plenty of heat
3. It was small

Last night, I found that it had been occupied many times, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large!"

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check, with this note:

"I am returning the check for $250. I cannot understand how you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat... there is plenty of it there if you know how to turn it on. As for the size, it's not my fault if you didn't have enough furniture to furnish it."

[The Equalizer]

Why did the chicken only walk halfway across the road?

He wanted to lay it on the line

[The Equalizer]

A man approached a young woman in a supermarket and said to her " I've lost my wife. Can I talk to you?"
"Why?" the woman asked
"Because every time I talk to a younger woman, my wife appears out of nowhere"

[The Equalizer]

A man was convinced he was a chicken. Every day he would go around making clucking noises and pecking the ground.
The neighbours asked the mans wife "Why don't you bring him to the Doctor and get him cured?"
She replied "because I need the eggs"