Joke of the day

[royaler]

Surely you mean Syria

PMSL

[Dirty Harry]

I asked my mate what his favourite fantasy would be. He says i would love to see jordan's fanny!' obviously he's never eaten a kebab before!!!

[Dirty Harry]

I just found out that my german friend Gottfried was killed in an explosion at the factory where he works in hamburg.

[Dirty Harry]

I start my new job at the steel mills tomorrow i cant wait to see this smoking hot slag all the lads are on about!!!

[gentelmandave]

I got pulled over the other day when the policeman took my details.

"Occupation?" he asked.

"Asshole stretcher" I replied.

"Really?" he asked sarcastically, "and what does an asshole stretcher do?"

I said "Well first I insert a butt plug into your ass and leave it there for a few days until your ass muscles relax. Then I put in a bigger butt plug, leave it there for a week, then a bigger butt
plug, it can take up to 3 months to stretch your ass up to six feet."

"And what would anyone do with a six foot ass hole?" he asked.

"Normally they give them a squad car and a uniform" I replied, "The rest comes naturally."

[Donmor]

I hate being Bi polar. Tis fucking amazing.

[emmasweet]

Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.


Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".


Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.


Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".


Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".


That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.


He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'".

[emmasweet]

A Christmas Poem


'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat


The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat


The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook


It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.


Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube


When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.


Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.


The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.


When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.


With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.


Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.


And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.


Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.


Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.


They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.


And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder.


I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.


His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.


That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile.


He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.


I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.


Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.


The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.


A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.


A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.


A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.


This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.


He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.


He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.


In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!


The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!

[Forrest]

A Christmas Poem

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.
He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!

Great find Emma.

On Christmas Eve
Don’t lay awake in bed
All you naughty girls
Blonde, brunette or red
For instead of presents
You may get a shock instead
You may catch Santa
Dressed in his suit of red
Emptying his sack
At the end of your bed

[emmasweet]

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"
"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47,"
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".