Weekend Humour

[royaler]

Lovin those beans!!!
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it
Became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme
Sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the
Way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called
My husband and told him that I would be late because I had to
Walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor
Of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to
Walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the
Time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I
Knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All
The way home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and
Exclaimed delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner
Tonight!'

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner
Table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my
Blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to
Touch the blindfold until he returned and went
To answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and
The pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband
Was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my
Weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but
It smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in
Front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and
Fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage!!!

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the
Other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone
Farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned
The air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap
And folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and
Pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my
Husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me
If I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I
Had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner
Guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'

[Dirty Harry]

my wife called me a sad bastard because i'm always planning things in advance thats her off my christmas card list

[Dirty Harry]

irish man caught looting in argos in manchester he was waiting for 50 telly's at collection point c

[royaler]

Why I'm now divorced!!!
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morning,
let alone ' Happy Birthday.'I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids.... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady,
and by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..' I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go!'We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. He went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my husband my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch....
Naked.

[Dirty Harry]

the london riots have now spread to cavan a man was seen in virginia breaking into a fiver!!

[Michelle21]

[QUOTE=Forrest;219946]There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser and just wouldn't be parted with it.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died . . .


He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait, just a minute!'

She had a box with her. She came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'

'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?'

'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'[/QUOTE


very funny..he cannot spend nothing)))

[Forrest]

Cards You Will Never See At Hallmark
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the fuck was I thinking?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"
"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your fucking Christmas card!!!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."
"I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened, especially since you survived."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!
"Congratulations on getting married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"
"I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

[Forrest]

"Just remember... Jesus Loves You - Everyone else thinks you're a jerk!"
"The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, let's say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"If you ever need a friend, buy a dog."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you. And miss you very much."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday -- so we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!"(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky and West Virginia)
"So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay"
"My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!"
"Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me."
"Congratulations on your wedding day... too bad no one likes your husband."
How could two people as beautiful as you... have such an ugly baby?

[Forrest]

A young lad asked an old man how he became so rich.
The old man replied, "Well, son, it was 1932 and the depth of the Great Depression.
I was down to my last nickel, so I invested it in an apple.
I spent an entire day polishing that apple and at the end of the day, I sold it for a dime.
So the next day I bought two apples.
I polished them all day and sold them at the end of the day for two dimes. I continued doing this
for a month, and by the end of that month, I had accumulated a total, minus expenses of course, of $4.00."
"And then what?" the lad asked.
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars!"

[Forrest]

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend
"My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would
be a terrible waste if no man could have her."
"Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her
chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade in seven years."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a
cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"