Weekend Humour

[royaler]

THIS IS SO TRUE ... ALL SINGLE MEN BEWARE

Jim was a single guy living at home with his fatherand working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his cancer stricken father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.




One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.


"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few months my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."




Impressed, the woman asked for his business cardand three days later, she became his stepmother.




Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[royaler]

The problem is that God gave men a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time !!! Robin Williams

[emmasweet]

A bloke is sat at a bar when he sees this gorgeous woman waiting for her date. He decides to go over and chat her up.

'I think you're wasting your time, I'm only interested in women' said the woman.

'Oh come on, I bet I can change your mind' said the bloke. After ten minutes of the bloke pestering her, she had had enough.

'OK' said the woman 'I'll sleep with you if you can do anything for me that my vibrator can't!'

'OK, barman get this lady a drink' he said. 'let's see your vibrator do that?'

[emmasweet]

A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis.

A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?"

He replies, "It died today."

"Oh that's terrible!", the nurse replied

The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again.

The same nurse says, "I thought it died yesterday."

The man replies, "It did. Today is the viewing"

[Forrest]

[Forrest]

TEST FOR ALCOHOLISM!!!

I am not an alcoholic according to the test results.

I have been concerned about a few of you so when I saw this simple test and I thought I should forward it to you:

Simple Alcoholism test that you can take in

the privacy of your computer...

(Scroll down for your results)




















If you saw a sign for a "BAR".......you're an alcoholic!

[royaler]

Cuckoo Clocked
>
>
> Why females should avoid a girls'
> night out after they are married....
>
> If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your
> sense of humour.
>
> The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
> I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
> Well, the
> hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
> Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
>
> Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway
> started up and cuckooed 3 times.
>
> Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I
> cuckooed another
> 9 times.
>
> I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
> quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible
> conflict with him.
>
> (Even when totally smashed.. 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos
> totals = 12 cuckoos
> MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time
> I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'.. he didn't seem pissed
> off in the least.
>
> Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a
> new cuckoo clock.'
>
> When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock
> cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.'
> Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed
> another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
> tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[royaler]

A look back at 2012

"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

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To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs

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A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
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Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....
Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon

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2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. They’re both in hospital... one's in a korma… the other's suffering from got a dodgy tikka!

[La Toya]

Just thought of a FORESIGHT Humor: Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident...there we go..!

[Forrest]

Once there were two farmers. One had a young daughter and the other had a young son.
As they lived in neighbouring farms, they encouraged their children to play with each other.
One day the girl's father went over to the other farmer's house and said that he didn't want
their children playing with each other anymore. The boy's father asked,
"Why not?" The other farmer said, "Come here and I'll show you."
In his yard was the girl's name written in pee in the snow.
The boy's father said,"Oh, come on, that's just boy's stuff, I'm sure it was just innocent fun."
The other farmer said, "I don't think you understand. That's my daughter's handwriting."

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Two old ladies are at the movies:
"Psst!" says one old lady. "I think the guy next to me is having a wank."
"What makes you think that?"
"He's using my hand."

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Three dogs were in the vet's waiting room.
The first dog asked the second dog what he was in for, and he answered,
"My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity
I shat and pissed all over it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep.
So what are you here for?" The first dog replied grimly,
"I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of antique vases and
while I was jumping around the room I accidently bumped into the table and broke them all."
The two dogs then looked over and asked the third dog what he was in for.
The third dog answered,"The reason I'm here is the other day my mistress stepped out of the
shower and then she bent over to pick up the towel. I couldn't resist the temptation, so I
jumped on her from behind and humped the ass off her."
"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" said the first dog.
"Oh no," said the third dog, "I'm just in here to get my claws trimmed."